Day 1 thru 5 on my quest to quit smoking

Day 1 – April 28, 2008

I want a cigarette really bad right now. Every time I went by the place I usually lit one up on my way to work, I wanted one even more.

I went to the gas station and I saw all the cigarettes in front of me. I wanted to buy a pack sooooo badly. I could taste the cigarette and I didn’t even have one yet. I walked away only paying for my gas. There was some relief, some sadness.

I went online just a moment ago and I looked up withdrawal symptoms. I’m not looking forward to any of them. That’s for sure. I have had a piece of gum in my mouth all day. I’ve got a headache, but im not sure it’s because I just read that you get headaches from the lack of NIC-O-TINE!

Too bad there isn’t a good cigarette. Or just a cigarette that wont give you cancer. That’s one reason I want to quit. I do not want to have emphysema when I get old. I’ve seen someone have that and she could barely move without losing her breathe. I don’t want to be on oxygen all the time. I also want to quit because I want to have children one day and I don’t want my children to think that smoking is something that’s acceptable. Because its not.

I wish I never started smoking.



Day 2 – April 29, 2008

This morning, the first thought I had was having a cigarette. I wanted one as soon as I woke up this morning.

As I drove to work today, I didn’t really think about having one. I didn’t think to myself, this is where I usually light up or any of that. I played music and just sang along. Trying my best to just zone out a little bit. Of course I was driving so I couldn’t zone that much. 

I am eating more chocolate than normally today. Weight gain. I DO NOT need to gain more weight. I’m fat as it is. Ugh. I’ve been trying to keep gum in my mouth instead at all times but im tired of chewing. I think im going to go to the kitchen and get some pretzels. They are a bit hard but maybe it will curb this chocolate craving. 

On my lunch break I again really wanted to buy cigs. I got this instant feeling like “im buying cigs right now.” But I didn’t. I just sat in my car, bored. I was NOT going back into work. My break is my BREAK.



Day 3 – April 30, 2008

Well, I again wanted to smoke a cigarette. Last night in bed at about 9pm, I instantly wanted a cig.

On my way into work I usually listen to music and chill out and try to just focus on getting to work. Of course this morning, I park right next to a woman who is just sitting in her car smoking a cig and im sure enjoying every minute of it.

I never thought I was going to feel this way toward cigarettes. I figured I would be that 1% or less that don’t get addicted to cigs. Not the case. I am very much addicted and I know it has a LOT to do with habit. I’m used to smoking a cig at certain points on my way to work. I’m used to smoking on my lunch break. I’m used to smoking on my way home. It’s the habit of smoking at certain times, the habit of putting a cigarette to my mouth. As soon as I get into my car, I instantly roll my window down part of the way because im used to lighting up as soon as I’m driving away from work.

I didn’t do it this morning, which is a good thing. But it could have been because I was thinking about smoking as soon as I got into the car knowing that I do not have any cigs.

I’m going to lunch with my bosses today which means that I wouldn’t have been able to smoking anyhow. Maybe if I’m at lunch with them, I won’t be thinking so much about it.

I went to lunch. As soon as I was done, I wanted one. I think it was because I was so nervous about going to lunch. I still want one. I’ve got a massive headache and all I want is a CIGARETTE!!!! I don’t think im going to make it to a week without one. I’m supposed to go to Kelly and Mikes tomorrow and just chill out for a little bit and they smoke all the time. We shall see how that goes.



Day 4 – May 1, 2008

Mike and Kelly had other plans last night so I did go see them, so I didn’t have that temptation.

Soooo...its been 4 days. I’m thinking that I want a cigarette more than ever today. I didn’t really crave one this morning but I just WANT one. I can’t even explain it. I’ve been chewing on gum for the last 4 days non stop. If im not chewing on gum, it’s because I’m eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner.

I want a cigarette really badly but I want so badly to make it to a week without smoking. I’m almost there. Sunday after 6pm, it will officially be one week with no smoking. I’m close, but im still not there. And what is going to happen after a week? Next week I could totally give up. Or even 2 weeks from now. Three weeks. Who knows? I WANT to quit as much as I WANT a cigarette right now.

I honestly can’t believe ive gone this far without one being that I’m going thru my normal routine still. I got new fresheners for my car so that I wouldn’t smell the cigarette smoke that is embedded in my car fabric. It’s kind of gross.

I know that when I smoked, I didn’t smell good afterward. I know that I wasn’t someone that someone else wanted to kiss because they knew they would taste and smell smoke. I know that and I still did it. Now that im smoke free, I know that people will NOT smell smoke when I walk by them or when I go to kiss my love, I know that I won’t have to hesitate whether it’s ok to kiss her. I wanted to quit so bad for me and those around me who don’t smoke. But, it’s really hard. If I could go back and tell myself years ago, to just NOT smoke, I totally would. It’s not something I'm glad I spend sooooooooo much money on. It kind of makes me sick thinking about all the money that is spend on cigarettes. All my money alone, I could have had a new car. I've been smoking for about 4 years now and I got up to about 2 packs of cigarettes a day. I got that under control and was at a pack a day for about 3 years. This last year I’ve got myself down to about 1 pack every 1 ½ to 2 days. That’s really good...well, at least I thought.

If I bought a pack every day, for a year (at $5 a pack) that’s $1,820 a year. And that’s not with those weekends where I was in a drunken stupor all day and night and smoking all day. That doesn’t include my drug educed days where I was just high all day and had nothing better to do than just sitting around and smoke cigarettes. Ugh. It kind of makes me cringe at the idea of that.

When you think about the money aspect of it, it’s ALMOST enough to make you want to quit smoking. Most people don’t, including me. If the money was there, I bought cigs. Just last week, I was A BROKE BITCH with no money to my name. I managed to scrounge up $5 or so bucks just to buy a pack of cigarettes. I paid for cigarettes with CHANGE! That’s how far you will go to get nicotine.

Well, I just got back from lunch and I really really wanted a cig after my burrito. After a good meal or just something that’s really good, smoking a cig is PERFECT! And I’ve noticed that when I think about my car, I feel the instant need for a cigarette. Hm. Now, if I had a car...of course I would have a car payment, I wouldn’t be able to afford to smoke. But every time I get in my car and start it up or have to stop at a red light, I keep waiting for it stop right there and then and never start up again. And that’s when I feel the stress coming on and that urge to light up is there. It’s a lose/lose situation. I have a shitty car, and I want to smoke...basically spend money that I could spend or save for a new car. And I don’t have a way of getting a new car...so I want to smoke. I can’t win.



Day 5 – May 2, 2008

Yup, woke up wanting a cig. Drove to work wanting a cig. Got to work wanting a cig. Stepped outside in this BEAUTIFUL weather wanting a cig. Its going to be hard tonight.

I'm going over Mike and Kelly’s after work and anyone who comes over the house is going be smoking and its going to be hard to resist the urge to smoke. But im going to try my hardest.

I really want to quit. I really want to say that I quit smoking. I'm sure there will be times when I am going to want to smoke. I'm sure there will be times when im out having a good time and im drinking that I'm not going to want to have a cigarette. BUT I've got fight the craving.

I've made it this far. Five days down, a lifetime to go.