Woke up early and couldn't fall back to sleep

I woke up at 3.30am and I laid there. And laid there. I rolled over and looked at my phone. It was 4.30am. Shortly after that I was finally able to fall asleep. It wasnt until Mary was leaving (when she woke me up), that I realized that I was not going to be able to go back to sleep, yet again. So Im up. I slept long enough anyhow. Plus, I need to go to bed later and wake up earlier. Im getting wayyyy to much sleep which is causing me to not be able to sleep at night. Although, since taking a sleeping pill for a week, I think I was able to put myself on a schedule again. At least I can fall asleep at night now.

The sleeping pill fucked me up tho. I took it and started having weird ass dreams. At first it was cool. Then the dreams started becoming bad dreams and it wasnt so cool. Ive stopped taking the sleeping pill, which has been like a week, and I STILL have these weird/bad dreams. Some are okay but some get really personal. And of course Monday night I had a bad dream and I cried about it at the dinner table last night. Im such a baby. I was having a bad day over all and talking about the dream sent me over the edge. But talking about it made me feel a little better.

And of course to help take the edge off, me and Mary sat in front of our Christmas tree. :) I like my Christmas tree. It turned out better than I thought. I was soooo worried that we were not going to have enough ornaments. But we had just enough. There isnt too much on the tree but the tree is def covered. Im happy with the way it turned out. And of course Mary is happy with the tree too.

I put the Christmas tree up on Sunday night because I couldnt wait for Monday night. I really wanted to get the tree up asap for some reason. Well, Ive been wanting to put it up since we bought the ornaments and then when the tree finally arrived. We bought a new tree...prelit. :) And I couldnt wait for it to get here. And when it did, I wanted to put it up. And im pretty sure it was before Halloween when it came. I was just so excited. This is my first Christmas tree after moving out of my mothers. It means a lot. And on top of that, its Mary and I's for tree together. We had what she likes to call her "Christmas bush." Its white painted tree sticks in a plant container filled with dirt. The dirt is just for stability. Oh and she strung up white lights on it so it would constitute as a "Christmas" bush? Yeah, Im not exactly sure, but I did know that I did not want it again this year. haha. No thanks!

We are also having a Christmas party at the house. Family and friends are coming over to celebrate with us. Of course we are all broke MF's so we called the Christmas party a "pot luck" party. Everyone is bringing something and then we are going to have some things. I would have loved to been able to make everything and just have people come but it would have been impossible. Especially since I still do not have a job. Ugh. Thats another story in itself. But we are glad everyone can come. It will be nice to get the two families together. YAY! My mom has meet everyone, but my Aunts, Uncle and grandmother havent and they havent been over my house.

Ive been decorating the house since Saturday. It looks really good. We put garland on the steps going upstairs and put our stocking up. :) Gosh, I am such a homo!!! hahaha.

Well, Im done this post today. Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving tomorrow!!!

Just some thoughts this morning...

Im crazy bored right now. The cable is out...gotta pay that bill and Ive gone to just about every site on the web. Think its impossible...go without cable. And the thing is, I dont watch TV all the time. Usually I am doing something else. OR Im on the internet myspacing it. But the fact that I dont have the option of watching tv is driving me crazy. Ugh. And I dont have any lined paper...which is really weird because I always make sure I have some spiral notebooks around just so I can write whenever I feel like it. I have no idea where they all went. Soooo...Im writing in my blog.

I havent been able to sleep lately. Well, since Ive been unemployed I havent had to get up at a certain time and I get an average of about 10-12 hours of sleep each day. Maybe thats why I am not able to sleep. Who knows. I still go to bed at 9-9.30pm every night but I get up at 8-8.30am. Craziness. So anyhow. For the last 2 or 3 nights Ive been taking a sleeping pill hoping that maybe I can get on a regular schedule. So far...I still go to sleep at the same time and get up at the same time. So, I dont know if its actually working. haha. I guess taking it a half hour before I go to bed doesnt help either. Maybe I need to take it at like 6pm and pass the hell out and that way maybe I would get up earlier than 8am. Who knows. Its not like I have something to do everyday. I just hate not being able to go to bed when I want to.

Im still unemployed. YAY! Not. Its been 5 months. 5 MONTHS!!!! Thats crazy!! And its even harder now to find a job because the economy and everyone is laying people off not hiring. Ugh. It totally sucks. I really want to work. I REALLY want to make some good money. Im tired of getting a suck ass check from unemployment. Its nothing like getting a check from working. DONT GET ME WRONG...I have most def enjoyed this break from working. Its been really nice. But, Im ready to go back and start working again. I dont know what to do with myself most days. I wake up, I go online, I watch some tv, I do something around the house or I just lay around, I make dinner, watch some evening tv and then go to bed. Thats pretty much what I do everyday. Of course when its payday I do all my running that I couldnt do before because most of the time at the end of two weeks im completely BROKE! I HATE being broke. When I was working I would say that I was broke but I had like $100 when I got paid again. So I had SOME money. Now, literally I have NO money at the end of two weeks. But, then again...how far can you really stretch $608 every two weeks?!? It doesnt go as far as you might think. Even tho Im not making as much, my bills dont go down. :( I did have an interview on Friday and I really hope I get it. It would be really nice. I dont have any idea how I did in the interview. The woman was really nice but I think she was already set in what she wanted her assistant to do and I didnt really have experience doing that. But, of course I tried my best to sell myself. I think I did a good job at that. As much as this would be the ideal job (its on Light Street downtown which is 6.5 miles away from my house), I have not put all my energy or thoughts into this being my job. I dont want to be disapointed when they say that they didnt want me. But, this would be a great learning experience for a job.

Home life has been good. I cant argue. Of course there are some parts that could be better but they dont out weigh the good. Me and my gf have been great. We are both excited about Thanksgiving, putting up the Christmas tree, having a Christmas party, and then Christmas. We are going to make the best of everything even with monies being tight. But, we will make it work!! Thats always been my motto. MAKE IT WORK!

My little brother is turning 18...I can NOT believe that. I remember feeding him a bottle when we were little. He has turned out to be a good kid and young man. And now he is going to be 18. WOW! My other brother is going to be 20 this year! I mean WTF?! Time goes by soooo fast. I will be 23 in February. Thats amazing. I didnt think I was going to make it this far. I was one of those bad ass kids at one point in my life. Anyhow. I am taking my brother out for birthday to the club. He asked me to take him out. He wanted me to take him to the strip club but that I was just a BIT to much for me. It was bad enough that I took my other brother there for his 18th birthday. And it was crazy awkward. I could even look at him. Ugh. Gives me the creeps just thinking about it. haha. Its okay to know that he has sex...everyone does. But, to be at strip club and have your little brother looking at the same woman on the dancefloor...Ive got to stop there. haha. ANYHOW! Im taking my brother out for his birthday. I found a club that is 18 and over for him. There arent many out there anymore. And those that do have 18 and over its only on like one night a week. Thank goodness its on a Saturday.

The other night, I guess it was Tuesday night around 6.30pm, me and my love were just finishing up dinner and we were talking. All the sudden we hear a car racing down the street and then slamming on its brakes and skidding. It was one of those skids that you are waiting for a crash. Sure as shit, we hear a crash that sounded like it was right outside our house. We jump up and run outside. The first thought I had was MY CAR! Why? Well, my car is a piece of shit...BUT its the only running vehicle I have and even if it were in an accident I wouldnt get SHIT for it. Anyhow. So we run outside and so is all the other neighbors on the street. Everyone heard the crash and came running probably all thinking my same thought. Of course the car crashs and the people in the car run. There was a cop right on the scene so Im assuming that he was chasing the car and they got into an accident. Its cold as hell outside and I come out in capri pants and a tee shirt and NO shoes or socks. haha. Thats what curiousity will do. Everyone kept mentioning that God forbid that there was kids outside. We have a good number of young kids on our block and if this had just happened a couple of weeks ago before it got really cold, it could have been bad. No one was hurt. Our neighbor across the street had her car hit and smashed in and the light post was knocked over. But, thank goodness no one got hurt.

Well, today is payday. YAY. And ive got to do a bunch of running. Of course right now I would normally get off here and go and watch some tv...but no cable. Sooo...Im just going to have to entertain myself until the mail man gets here. :) Dont be surprised if there are a shit load of pictures of myself on myspace. haha. Its what I do when Im bored.

Just some thoughts this evening...

Have you ever liked someone but didnt like them at the same time. Im not sure if I feel this way because I feel like I HAVE to like this person or what. Shes a nice woman, but I just dont feel this connection with her. Which is strange because from what I understand, everyone loves this woman. And in a way, I do. Shes a good woman and makes jokes and can cook. But, I just cant CONNECT with her. And now I am going to have to spend a whole week with her and I dont know what Im going to do with myself. Ugh. I just dont know.

I just think that if I were in the situation that "my friend" were in right now, I wouldnt have my mom come to be with me for a whole week. I think I would have my mom come by for the day and into the evening and then she would leave and let me get on with things. I JUST DONT KNOW!!! \

Ugh!! This is completely eating me up inside. I just dont know what to do. I cant say that I dont think whats going on isnt right because its not my place. But, oh my GOD! I whole WEEK?!?! I think I might just have to go over to my mothers just so I can get away. And thats not really GETTING AWAY!!

So what can I do for a whole week to keep busy and stay away from this woman at the same time? I can only take her for so long. And the thing is, is that if my friend were in my shoes...she would be feeling the same way! There is not doubt in my mind she would be feeling the same way. I can feel the anxiety just when my friend is in my situation.

This email makes no sense, Im just not trying to put names and relations in the same email. I dont want it to feel like im attacking or hating on someone. I just dont know what Im going to do with myself and it almost makes me want to cry over.

God Forbid this woman ever move into someones basement. I would have to leave...for good.

Just a little catcher up...

Its been a while since I wrote in the blog so I figured since I have some time on my hands, I might as well.

I havent really been doing anything lately. Just chillin at the house. I havent had a lot of money or any spending money. I still do NOT have a job and Im getting a little stressed out about it. I have put in more applications than anyone can imagine and Im just not having any luck.

Me and Mary are doing fantastic! I am so madly in love with her. I fall more and more in love with her every day. I always find something else that I love about her. Its going great and I couldnt ask for anything more.

My mom and brother are the same...same shit different day. I was sooo stressed out from my mother for a while. She was telling me about everything that my brothers were and were not doing at the house like I am supposed to do something about it. Ugh. But, finally my brothers stepped up and did something and it chilled her out. Thank goodness. I thought for a minute I was going to lose my mind.

Well, thats about it for me. Nothing really exciting to write today. Maybe there will be something to write about tomorrow.

We will see...

Sooo...

Well, Im still unemployed and nothing is looking good for me right now. Ive been looking, maybe not as hard as I should be, but I am looking. Ive got to step up my game no doubt but im just soooo over it all. I dont want to be home anymore but I dont want to work. Too bad I cant even find a part time job. I wouldnt mind but I need health insurance. And I cant pay for health insurance by myself.

Me and Mary bought a dog...I dont know what the hell is going on with her for the last two days. Yesterday and today she has been a BEAST! Ah!!! Shes driving me nuts. I am going out tonight so we will see how she does for just Mary tonight.

I want moneyyyy!!! I want to buy an outfit soooo bad. I want to buy a new pair of jeans, a new top and a new pair of shoes. But, I dont have $200+ to spend on one outfit. Ughhhh!! This is when I realize that I need a jobbbb. Hopefully soon.

The horror of Friday the 13th...

So, this past Friday, Friday the 13th, I was laid off from my job due to the fact that I was not "up to par" as they like to say there. Of course, its only after the week of the warranty guy being out all that week and me busting hump to make sure people have AC but I still wasnt up to par. Ugh.

But, I was happy to leave. No doubt about it. Although, they found it to be precausionary to excort me up to my desk to gather my things. What a joke. As if Im going to become this disgruntled employee who destroys everything. Hm. No. But, whatever.

On the bright side, Ive heard back from a couple people and ive got some interviews lined up. Hopefully something wonderful will turn up for me. Something that will end up being a long term job. I hate going from company to company in a short amount of time. But they all never seem to work out. Anyhow.

Thats my story. :)

My dad loves me...

For some reason, I've just started thinking about my dad. He just popped into my head. I miss him a lot. I'm sure it will be another 4 years or so that I will see him again, but that week in Alabama was a really good time. I didn’t do a lot of talking about things with dad that I previously thought I was going to want to do. I mean I did but I didn’t. We had a couple good talks about things.

But, I think the thing I will remember the most will be the Wednesday that I was up there and as I was getting ready in the morning, my brother was outside and my dad came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me and said, “Jennifer, have I told you that I loved you today?” At the time I didn’t know what to think. I of course said I love you too dad and laughed it off. But right now, its bringing tears to my eyes.

My dad loves me. I didn’t think I would ever hear those words in person. I've heard them over the phone but to have my dad right in front of me saying that he loved me was a really good feeling. I think I've always longed for my dads love. No, I know I have. For the longest time I hated my dad so much. But, in reality all I ever wanted was for him to grab me and never let go. I can remember once when he came to the townhouse to visit, I was probably like 14 and I was just being as stubborn as ever and I refused to see him. I was upstairs watching TV he comes in and I look at him and I throw a blanket over my head. I didn’t even want him to see me. I was so angry at him for coming in my bedroom and saying that he loved me and wanted me to come downstairs and join everyone. I hated him so much right then and there. But, I really wanted him to pick me up and just hold me and tell me how much he loved me. Knowing me, I would have broke down and told him that I loved him too but I missed him so much. But, that never happened.

I was about 8 or 9 when I stopped talking to my dad. He made my mother cry for the last time over the phone. I took the phone from my mother and I said, “Dad, stop calling here. I'm never going to talk to you again.” And I didn’t. I don’t think anyone knew right then that I was serious. I had no desire to see my father, to talk to my father or ever hear about anything he was doing. Finally, one day I talked to my father about something that was going on with the family. I was about 16-17 years old by the time this happened.

I just talked. I listened to what he had to say and that was it. Once the conversation was over I gave the phone to my mother and I went about my business. Of course my mom and dad were talking to each other about the fact that I had just talk to him. Mom said that dad was surprised to hear my voice on the phone. After that dad called a couple times and mom would ask me if I wanted to talk with him, but I said no. I didn’t really have anything to talk about. I probably talk to him 3 or 4 times in 2 years and the conversations were always strained. Basic questions. While my brother Will and dad had great conversations about everything and more. I wanted that but I didn’t want to be the one to start it. I didn’t want it to look like I wanted to talk to my father.

I hadn’t seen my father in years. Over 10 years by the time he came to my graduation. I knew he was coming and I was nervous as hell. I got the knock at the door and there he was. My dad. (Basically my brother Will only older. Will has ALL of dads DNA.) He comes in, sits down and the room is quiet. I look at him and I say, wow...Will looks just like you. He says really, you think? He asks me to go to breakfast with him, but I told him I had eaten already. I hadn’t but I didn’t want to be in public with no place to go with my dad. He stayed for a week. The best week. I don’t remember doing a whole lot. But, I just remember having my dad around. I liked the idea of coming home from work and he was there. Mom said it was nice to have a man in the house, just this man isn’t the one she wanted. Haha. And of course all good things must come to an end. As he was leaving, we all break down in tears. All us kids sitting on the sofa watching our dad with his things leaving us forever. At least that’s what it felt like. Dad starts crying and tells us that he is sorry for everything he did to mom. And that it never should have happened. He explained that he knows that sorry cant take that pain away but he wanted us to know that.

It took me another 4 years to see him. Almost 4 years to the date. Of course while being in Alabama wasn’t a thrill (my granny was in the hospital), it was really awesome to be near dad. I couldn’t wait to come home, but I didn’t want dad to leave again. Even at the airport I couldn’t wait to go home. It wasn’t until we actually got to the boarding area and sat down to wait for the planes to arrive, did it hit me. This could be the last time I see him. I started to tear up but I didn’t want anyone to see me. I sucked it up hoping that would be all I would see from the water works. Nope. Dads plane gets called to start boarding. Me and Will keep fighting the emotions. I look away only to start crying. I suck it up and look his way. Dad has his eyes fixed on us kids. He boards the plane and that’s when both of us just let it out. Finally I had enough, I stopped my crying. I hate crying over him. I only cry over him when he is leaving us. You think I would have gotten used to that by now. Guess not.

Its funny, even as I recall this story (which has to be about the millionth time) I cant help but want to see him right now. He still angers me sometimes. The things he says or something he does. But, ive come to the conclusion that its just the way he does things.

I don’t know why exactly he is in my head, maybe he was thinking about me. Who knows. Either way, I love my dad and he loves me too.