My dad loves me...

For some reason, I've just started thinking about my dad. He just popped into my head. I miss him a lot. I'm sure it will be another 4 years or so that I will see him again, but that week in Alabama was a really good time. I didn’t do a lot of talking about things with dad that I previously thought I was going to want to do. I mean I did but I didn’t. We had a couple good talks about things.

But, I think the thing I will remember the most will be the Wednesday that I was up there and as I was getting ready in the morning, my brother was outside and my dad came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me and said, “Jennifer, have I told you that I loved you today?” At the time I didn’t know what to think. I of course said I love you too dad and laughed it off. But right now, its bringing tears to my eyes.

My dad loves me. I didn’t think I would ever hear those words in person. I've heard them over the phone but to have my dad right in front of me saying that he loved me was a really good feeling. I think I've always longed for my dads love. No, I know I have. For the longest time I hated my dad so much. But, in reality all I ever wanted was for him to grab me and never let go. I can remember once when he came to the townhouse to visit, I was probably like 14 and I was just being as stubborn as ever and I refused to see him. I was upstairs watching TV he comes in and I look at him and I throw a blanket over my head. I didn’t even want him to see me. I was so angry at him for coming in my bedroom and saying that he loved me and wanted me to come downstairs and join everyone. I hated him so much right then and there. But, I really wanted him to pick me up and just hold me and tell me how much he loved me. Knowing me, I would have broke down and told him that I loved him too but I missed him so much. But, that never happened.

I was about 8 or 9 when I stopped talking to my dad. He made my mother cry for the last time over the phone. I took the phone from my mother and I said, “Dad, stop calling here. I'm never going to talk to you again.” And I didn’t. I don’t think anyone knew right then that I was serious. I had no desire to see my father, to talk to my father or ever hear about anything he was doing. Finally, one day I talked to my father about something that was going on with the family. I was about 16-17 years old by the time this happened.

I just talked. I listened to what he had to say and that was it. Once the conversation was over I gave the phone to my mother and I went about my business. Of course my mom and dad were talking to each other about the fact that I had just talk to him. Mom said that dad was surprised to hear my voice on the phone. After that dad called a couple times and mom would ask me if I wanted to talk with him, but I said no. I didn’t really have anything to talk about. I probably talk to him 3 or 4 times in 2 years and the conversations were always strained. Basic questions. While my brother Will and dad had great conversations about everything and more. I wanted that but I didn’t want to be the one to start it. I didn’t want it to look like I wanted to talk to my father.

I hadn’t seen my father in years. Over 10 years by the time he came to my graduation. I knew he was coming and I was nervous as hell. I got the knock at the door and there he was. My dad. (Basically my brother Will only older. Will has ALL of dads DNA.) He comes in, sits down and the room is quiet. I look at him and I say, wow...Will looks just like you. He says really, you think? He asks me to go to breakfast with him, but I told him I had eaten already. I hadn’t but I didn’t want to be in public with no place to go with my dad. He stayed for a week. The best week. I don’t remember doing a whole lot. But, I just remember having my dad around. I liked the idea of coming home from work and he was there. Mom said it was nice to have a man in the house, just this man isn’t the one she wanted. Haha. And of course all good things must come to an end. As he was leaving, we all break down in tears. All us kids sitting on the sofa watching our dad with his things leaving us forever. At least that’s what it felt like. Dad starts crying and tells us that he is sorry for everything he did to mom. And that it never should have happened. He explained that he knows that sorry cant take that pain away but he wanted us to know that.

It took me another 4 years to see him. Almost 4 years to the date. Of course while being in Alabama wasn’t a thrill (my granny was in the hospital), it was really awesome to be near dad. I couldn’t wait to come home, but I didn’t want dad to leave again. Even at the airport I couldn’t wait to go home. It wasn’t until we actually got to the boarding area and sat down to wait for the planes to arrive, did it hit me. This could be the last time I see him. I started to tear up but I didn’t want anyone to see me. I sucked it up hoping that would be all I would see from the water works. Nope. Dads plane gets called to start boarding. Me and Will keep fighting the emotions. I look away only to start crying. I suck it up and look his way. Dad has his eyes fixed on us kids. He boards the plane and that’s when both of us just let it out. Finally I had enough, I stopped my crying. I hate crying over him. I only cry over him when he is leaving us. You think I would have gotten used to that by now. Guess not.

Its funny, even as I recall this story (which has to be about the millionth time) I cant help but want to see him right now. He still angers me sometimes. The things he says or something he does. But, ive come to the conclusion that its just the way he does things.

I don’t know why exactly he is in my head, maybe he was thinking about me. Who knows. Either way, I love my dad and he loves me too.

Just an update...

Well, I went to Alabama on the 11th and was there until the 18th. It was a long LONG trip. I most def enjoyed meeting my uncles, and meeting cousins that I didnt even know I had but it was a LONG trip.

My grandmother got out of ICU and was moved to a progressive unit. Everyone including myself think she pulled out of this because everyone came down to see her. She finally got to see all 5 of her sons in one room at the same time. That doesnt happen very often. I got to see her after being away for 15 years. She had tears in her eyes when she saw me.

I met all my uncles. Uncle James, Uncle Chris, Uncle Lyn, and Uncle Neil. Along with lots of cousins. I met Nicole, Chrissy, Brandon, Gracie and ...im drawing a blank on her sisters name. haha. I also got to meet Ashley and another cousin. I cant remember what her name was. Uncle Lyn's kids stayed in Maine and Uncle James kids stayed in Arizona. But it was awesome meeting these people that remembered me as a little tot but I couldnt remember at all.

I got to ride a 4 wheeler for the first time ever down there. My Uncle Chris has one so I took it for a spin. It was awesome. As soon as I got off, I was thinking of a way to get one and find a place to ride it in the city. haha.

I saw where my grandparents live. It looks exactly the same. Some of the shit in the yard has probably been there since I left. The house isnt as bad as everyone thought it was going to be inside. Its dirty and VERY dusty but there is cleared walk spaces and everything. Still I wish I could just go in there and CLEAN IT! I hate cleaning but it needs a thorough cleaning from top to bottom. My grandmother cant clean anymore because she cant breathe. She cant even take a shower because the mist takes her breathe away. And my grandpa aint gonna do shit around the house. If he was willing to do that, the house wouldnt be in the shape it is. Its falling apart around them and he keeps buying horses and junk to let sit in the yard. I love him but he doesnt have his priorities in line.

Even tho the only reason I went to AL was to see my ailing grandmother, I was glad I was able to make the trip. Me and my dad were able to talk a little bit without Will being around to put his two cents in. I found out that my father has been going to church for the last couple of months and he is now a Mormon. Yeah, I was surprised to hear that. One, that he is going to church. And two, that he is now a Mormon who feels that this church is the REAL church. Ugh. Whatever. Its his own choice in life. Im not one to judge. I told him that my biggest issue with the church is whether the church excepts me. I told him that Ive come to the conclusion that I am comfortable with me. And I love God and I know God loves me. Who I lay down with at night shouldnt have my casted aside. He said that in the Mormon church, homosexuality is NOT excepted but HE accepts me. Why be with a church that you dont completely believe in? OR maybe he does think that homosexuality is an abomination and that I am going to hell but he just didnt want to tell me to my face. Who knows. I just had a good time with my dad. All thru the trip he would recount times when I was a kid and the silly things I did or his version of how he denied me as a baby. haha. It was almost like my moms but a little different. He told me about how he broke my leg when I was 2. He talked about how all he wanted was a baby girl when he found out that mom was pregnant. And how I was spoiled since the day I was born. The hospital would have to call him to tell him to come to the hospital and feed me because I wouldnt take a bottle from anyone but him. haha. It was really nice to talk about these things and laugh and carry on.

Of course, as soon as we sat down in the waiting area at the airport waiting for our planes to come in, I started to tear up but I told myself that I wasnt. So I sucked it up but as soon as they told everyone that they could start lining up, I lost it. I hugged dad and watched him walk to the terminal. He stood there looking at me and Will and I had to turn my dad and let the tears come. I would suck it up, stop crying to wipe the tears away long enough to turn my head back to him and see him standing there only to start crying again. As soon as we saw him walking onto the plane I just let it out. I think its the idea that he is leaving first. Maybe if me and Will were to leave first it would feel like we are leaving him not him leaving us. Ive had enough of him leaving us in the past and it just doesnt get any easier.

Overall...I had a great time. But im glad to be home. I was home sick from the day I left until I set foot inside the house and was able to kiss my love. I dont want it to be so long before I go back again but I know it wont be for a while before I go back.