Bad dream

I had a really bad dream this morning. It stressed my out and everything.

Here is what happened...

It started out with me, my mom, my brothers and my brothers girlfriend Aslynn in my moms car. We were driving somewhere at night and we see Dane Cook on the side of the road with his posse of people. It was like on some random street and the street was kinda dark so I couldnt tell if it was him or not but my mom kept telling me that it was. So she pulls over to talk to him because in my dream she really really liked him. (Weird.) Anyhow. So me and my bros are in the car waiting for her I guess. She gets back in the car and says we are going to follow them. They want to hang out. Im like um, ok mom. Im not sure how we get to his house or whatever it was but we get there. And we get out of the car and I guess are waiting to get in his house or something. I wasnt really thrilled at this idea for some reason. Anyhow. So we are all standing outside the car and Dane sees my mom and he says, "Hey Julie, you coming?" And she is like well, I have some people with me and he like looks at her and mumbles something like he is pissed and Im like, "Mom, just go. We will wait here." Well, she goes running off after Dane. And there are like thousands of people around us. And I think I see Demi Moore so I like do a double take and then I walk over and Im like, "Crazy how many people are here." She doesnt even look at me. She just walks away and then I realize that its not here. Its like an impersonator. So, Im just chilling smoking a cigarette and my brothers go off some where, but im not really worried about it. Some how I made my way over to this like Dane Cook store. It has all this stuck with Dane's face or name on it. And im looking around thinking what the hell is this shit. haha. So then I start looking for my brothers. And somehow everyone that was there before is gone. There are a couple people here and there but all those thousands of people have disappeared. And I start freaking out wondering where my brothers are. Im looking in bathrooms and these rooms. It was like I was at a mall or stadium the way it was laid out. And im searching high and low for my brothers. Im getting really anxious in my dream because they arent anywhere. I start crying thinking that they are missing. Maybe someone took them, or they got lost or whatever. And im standing in the middle of this hallway/walkway and Im bawling my eyes out. I look up and I see my brothers crying and then we see each other and we run to each other and give these really big hugs and kisses like we havent seen each other in years or like we were all really scared that we lost each other.

All I know is that I had to wake myself up because I was so upset in my dream. When I woke up I had tears in my eyes. Totally weird and scary and stressful dream.

My only question, why Dane Cook and why my mom? hahah. I mean, my mom likes Dane Cook from what she has seen him do but shes not like this avid fan or anything.

I have no idea what this dream means. I know that I miss my brothers and after having lunch with Will yesterday and then doing my first "let-Shaun-drive-for-the-first-time-with-you-in-the-car" yesterday, maybe I was thinking about them before I went to bed. I really have no idea. haha.

Just strange.

Hot and bothered...

...Yes, its true. hahaha.

Ah, its Friday. And it looks like its going to be a decent day. OF course...my woman is getting off work early today and I cant leave early because I took a half day on Tuesday or was it Wednesday. Ugh, I dont even remember and I took a day last week. SOOOO....I will have to grin and bare it until 5pm. Which, I cant wait until. Just because ITS THE WEEKEND!!! Oh yes. AND my love is off on Saturday and I get to have her all to myself in between the Orkin man being at the house and going to Target. haha.

I cant wait until lunch!!!! I got paid today! So, ive got a check, but noooo money. Oh yeah. Its great. But, soon enough, I will have some money in my hand! But, not for long. Ive got to pay my part of the mortgage and my cell bill and my car insurance and ive got to put some money aside for my student loan. Bills...I hate them soooo much. I wish I didnt have them at all. But, I cant live without a cell phone, so I have to pay them. And I COULD live without paying my car insurance until I get into an accident and then Ill be paying lots and lots of money that I dont already have. And my student loan...well, I didnt pay them for a LONG time and Ive just recently started paying them so they could get off my back. So Ill keep paying them.

I do have a plan tho. When I get that tax break return shiznit that everyone is getting this summer I plan on paying some things off that I owe.

1. M&T Bank. Yes, I over drew on my account, and well...never paid them back. Stupid, young and did I mention stupid? Yeah. I dont owe much...hopefully they didnt tack on fees and fees and more fees. I owed them about $75 the last time I checked. Ill have to do some research on how much I actually owe.
2. Provident Bank. I know what your thinking...TWO banks? Yes. I overdrew at two banks. I BELIEVE I owe about $60 on this account. Again, if there are no fees attached to the account now. And if there are, I will have to see if I cant make some sort of deal with them OR payment plan.
3. No idea who its thru CREDIT CARD. All I ever had was ONE credit card and I totally fucked it up. haha. It was a very small amount credit card, I think like $150 and by the time I actually got the card there was $75 of fees for getting it. haha. And of course, I spent the rest of it and then never paid them. I think I made a couple payments but nothing too much. So out of a $150 credit card limit, I believe I now owe something along the lines of $500. Damn credit card people. They will jack your shit up if you dont pay them and they know they will get you some way or another. You dont pay - you have a bad mark on your credit report. So, Ill have to call them and negociate some sort of deal to pay them too. Even if its in payments. $20 a month is better than nothing at all. This one I dont so much as expect to pay it off but I would like to get started on paying it back.

So thats my plan. My New Year Resolution was to get myself back on track financially and im determined to do that. I keep hoping someone will give me and chance but Ive finally realized that no one will if I dont pay this shit off. And I know it will take a long time for it to come off my credit report and give me back some credit BUT its the first step in the right direction. NOW I just need to find a job closer to home so I dont spend so much money in gas and Ill be good to go! YAY!

I am so happy with my life right now. There are some things in it that of course need working on but im really happy. Ive got a great girlfriend who loves me and cares for me. Ive finally been able to get along with my brothers for once. Since I dont see them every day, we have all realized that we most def lean on each other for support and how much we love each other. My mom has some sort of idea that im not coming back! Shes getting it. Shes not quite used to the idea, but its growing on her. Ive got a good job - minus the pay issue. Ive got great friends and a wonderful new family. What more could I ask for?! Well, other than more money and a new car...what MORE could I ask for? haha. Im the happiest ive been in a really long time and it feels great. I know that I totally deserve all the happiness I can get. Ive earned it.

LOOK OUT 2009! Im going to be on top!!! I can see it now. :)

Cramps...

I hate cramps. I had REALLY bad cramps yesterday and I had to leave early. Which was a plus because it wasnt really cold outside. I laid down once I got home and then went outside and sat out on the porch with Jess. Talking about anything and everything. Its been really nice getting to know her. Shes an awesome chick who is really easy to get along with. Its been nice coming home and sitting out on the porch with her for some small talk. :) Anyhow. Thank goodness I dont have cramps today. I think I would have to impail myself on something. But, im good. :) YAY!

Im trying to convince the woman at home to get a sleep number bed with me. One, ive heard those things are AWESOME! And two, we have very different bed types. She is a more soft bed type. And I am a more firm bed type. I think ever since ive been staying over, even before I moved in, my arms have been going to sleep EVERY night. I dont think thats a good thing. I like to sleep a certain way and I havent been able to do that since I moved in because of the mattress. I like to sleep on my stomach with my face buried in the pillow. haha. But, with her mattress, my back curves and I wake up in the middle of the night with back pain and stiffness. And shes always like right up my ass when I try and roll over. So im trying to roll myself over and her. haha. Its funny. But, not really for my back. And now my hips are starting to hurt because I dont think my hips are lined up right when im sleeping. I toss and turn constantly. When we went to Ocean City the mattress in the hotel was PERFECT! It was just enough firmness with the right amount of cushion. Im trying to get used to the bed. Im trying to find out which way is a good way to lay. I find that I get the best sleep when shes not in the bed because then I can spread out! And when I spread out, I mean I spread out. Im all up in the middle of the bed, with my arms straight out and my one leg out. Its crazy looking. But, Im mad comfy. thats all that matters.

Ah, babies. I cant wait to have them. I want to have a baby right now. Just have one magically grow inside of me and Ill give birth right now....or right now...ok, how about righhhhhttt now. Ok. Its not working. But, I REALLY want to have a baby! I think its my horomones talking right now. I have moments where I like my prehistorical motherly moments come out when Im around kids and Im like I could totally do this mother thing. I mean, I cant wait until I have the oppurtunity to have children. Ive ALWAYS wanted them but I cant decide if im ready like right NOW to have babies or if I should wait a couple years. Either way children are going to change my life and I will have to sacrifice a lot for them. And Im TOTALLY willing to do that. I do that a lot with my brothers now. And I think ill be a good mother. Actually I think I would make a great mother. I want to be a mother who is the best friend, but the kids know that im not going to take any shit. haha. There will be things that I will take from my mother and pass on and there will be things that I will change that my mother did but I wish she hadnt. (We all have those things.) I think I would make a great mom. And since I will be raising these kids with two mommies. I want to be MOMMY and my partner can be MOM or MAMA. Whatever they want. But, I want to be called MOMMY forever. Even when the kids are like 50 years old. :) That makes me happy just thinking about that. I was listening to the radio yesterday on my way home and there was this song on, country song of course, and it was talking about this woman who says sorry for her kids acting up where ever they were and the guy says dont worry about I have two babies at home too. One is 35 and the other is 23. And he says that one day you will miss this. Talking about the kids running around and acting up. He goes on to say that one day you will want that back so take a good look around and take it all in because the years go by faster than you think. And that got me thinking about my mom of course and how she has "empty nest syndrome" right now. I cant imagine how it feels to have the children that you put all your time and effort and love and passion into, just to leave that place they called home for so many years. But, I could never stop my kids from seeing the world like my mom did to me so many times. I will never tell my kids that they will fail at anything they do. They can have the world if they work hard enough for it.

So, now im talking about this whole baby thing with the misses and she says she wants a girl and im saying I want a boy. If I have a baby girl, I have soooo much payback coming to me for what I put my mother thru at 14. Oh my goodness. Just thinking about it gives me the chills. If I have a little boy I dont have to deal with emotional 14 year old girls and the DRAMA! I can have me a nice little mamas boy who grows up to be a tall handsome man whom all the girls love. OR boys love. Whatever one. Doesnt matter to me. :) And there will be plenty of man influences in the kids lives. We wont have to worry about that. I have two brothers and my lady had more than enough uncles and cousins and she has a brother. :) Hm. I think I need to get on this baby making deal soon. Do something. haha. I cant just keep talking about.

There is just one teeny tiny detail that we havent worked out yet. How we are going to HAVE the baby. Uh huh. See just a tiny detail. :(

Oh no. Not another person...

Well, our CFO (chief financial officer) left today. He has been with the company for a long time and I guess since our company is going down and faster each day, he decided to leave. Ive been looking for a job, one that is closer to home but I havent been able to find anything. I posted my resume on monster and only have been getting calls from staffing agencies. I wouldnt mind going with them, but you have to meet with them first and they are always so far away. And I dont really have any money in my budget for extra gas. If anything, Ill call Nancy Adams who always seems to be able to find me a job. I should do that soon. I just hate that initial interview and then the meet and greet before you get settled in. It sucks. But, whatever. I have to do what I got to do. BUT now since the CFO is gone, they should give me a raise! Ill never see it. Ugh. I hate not having a secure job. I guess no job is secure. But, I dont really have a CAREER. Im always looking for a JOB. Something to pay the bills. Im just stressed out now that our CFO left.

Hopefully something will come up soon for me. :\ I sure hope so.

For those out there in this world who love Ramen noodles as much as me...

Easter Sunday

Well, yesterday was Easter Sunday and my mom and brother came by and met my girlfriends mom and uncle and cousin. And it was...interesting. haha. First of all, me and my girlfriend were excited that the family was going to meet each other. And as soon as the moms met and we talked and mingled...we were so over it. haha. We just wanted to get plates of food and head upstairs to get into pjs and watch tv. haha. And my mom was trying her best to hold a conversation with everyone. But, she has a way of pulling herself back from the group and thats what she did. But, I do want to say that my mom looked really really good. She had this great jacket on and she just looked really good. :) And then hanging out with my brother Shaun was awesome. I didnt realize how much I really missed him. *I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it* I love both of my brothers. And since ive moved away I think that my mom realizes how much she actually leaned on me, and both my brothers I think have realized how much they miss me too. Me and Shaun were goofing around the whole time and Will called me in the evening to see how I was and to wish me a Happy Easter. I wish he had called me like an hour bebfore because I would have had him come over. Although, he probably would have got lost and then freaked out when he saw where he was at. haha. He will have to follow me some time and then he will know how to get there. ANYHOW! Easter...it went good. And I couldnt have been happier when everyone left and the house fell quiet. Me and my love went upstairs and just cuddled on the couch for a little bit and then went to bed. It was a LONG day but a good day. Lots of good food and good conversation.

:)

My first real cry in months!

Ah, I had my first real cry last night. Like it felt good to cry. I needed to get it out! It was becoming so much. I wasnt happy at what I was crying at but it felt good none the less. I woke up this morning and felt so much better. Thank goodness for good girlfriends. I think I scared her. haha. She didnt know what to do. I dont usually show emotion in the form of crying and boohooing. Im the one who just keeps it all inside and tries to deal with it. Maybe I shouldnt do that, but I dont want to be that emotional wreck of a friend that is constantly crying and bitching...blah blah blah. I think ill stick to just bottling it all up. Its worked out so far. :)

One thing that was on my mind last night, but only after I googled it (I dont recommend it) was that I think I might have a Staph infection. No idea how the hell I got it. But, of course I googled it and only the most gruesome and nasty pictures come up. Pictures of peoples whole leg being infected and oozing and red and the skin missing. Ugh. Again, take my word for it. Its not something for the faint of heart. It started out as a bump which I then thought was just a boil. I figured it would go away. No. And then it developed a scab from what I thought was because my underwear might be rubbing it or even my jeans. Well, last night in the shower I noticed that it was a little raised and I told myself that I would take a look at it when I got out. Well, we all know that after a shower, a scab becomes soft and can easily rub off. And I guess from drying myself off I took the scab off. When I noticed that I had, I noticed that there is a nice size whole on my side. FANTASTIC! And then my mind is racing. The first thing that popped into my head was a flesh eating bacteria and im going to die. So I googled it. Oh my. Thats when I read something about Staph infections. I read signs and symptoms and it sounds exactly what I first had. So of course im looking at the pictures and im freaking out! I went to bed hoping that I could just lay there and go to sleep. Nope. I kept thinking about dieing and shit. Ugh. And im about to get my PD so im all fucking emotional and shit. So, Im crying. My love comes to bed early and I tried my best to just go to sleep and then the tears FLOW. And then I told her about it and shes like, "we can deal with this." And im all like No no no. ILL deal with it. Ugh. Stubborn, hard headed Jenn. But, im planning on making a doctors appointment after I get paid on Friday. Hopefully Ill hear good news and not the worst im thinking it is. Anyhow.

Today I also mailed a letter to my father telling him im gay. Yeah, he will find out 2-3 days from now when he reads the letter. Hopefully his wife wont read it first. She probably will thinking its from my mom. Oh well. I was thinking about it last night and I felt the impulse to just do it this morning. I would have called him but he never answers his phone and instead of leaving a voicemail and waiting for him to call me back I just decided to write. I wanted to write last night when I was upset too. Its always a release for me. ANYHOW! Here is my letter I wrote. Its pretty much to the point. I didnt try to sugar coat anything. Plus, I didnt want to tell him that im gay and then go on a rant. He would get tired of reading and just stop. So, its pretty short. Well, long enough to tell him but short enough that it might just give him some time to think about it all.





I wasnt really sure what to say. And ive written better "coming out" letters that I never did mail to him for whatever reason. But, I was on a mission to tell him what I wanted to say and get it over with. Looking at it now, I would have written it much differently. But, its out in the mail and on its way to be read. Cant take it back now even if I wanted to. But, at least I gave him the option of calling me or write me back. Ive done my part.

Im the luckiest girl ever...

I always find little notes from my baby saying how much she loves me and how she falls in love with me more and more everyday. I LOVE getting these. She always hides them some place in my purse. I just love her so much. I wish there was some other way of saying I love you without always saying the same thing over and over again.

Im just the luckiest girl in the world to have the greatest girlfriend ever. I couldnt have asked for a better mate.

I guess some people just dont learn

Its a wonder how someone can be such good person, but be the biggest hypocrites ever.

All I have to say is that things always come back to you ten fold. The next let down is going to be bigger than the last. And maybe then and only then will you learn that some people are just not good for you.

A crazy ass day!

Oh my goodness!!! Today and yesterday were crazy days!!! Ive still got so much to do but I cant seem to get it all done on time. Utility bills have been staring me in the face since Monday and Ive finally got a majority of them done. ALTHOUGH! I got a lot of them done yesterday early afternoon BEFORE I opened the mail for that day and got a shit load of bills that came in. And again the same thing happened today. I didnt get a chance to open mail until about 3pm today and ive got another stack of bills to go thru. Ugh. I cant seem to get on top of them. But, im super proud that I stuck it out and knocked about 150 plus bills out of the way. Yeah, thats right people. I had that many. And it was just from this weeks mailings. I almost wanted to cry yesterday when I was just doing the NC bills. But, like I said I totally got most of them knocked out. Just have a handful to FINISH tomorrow morning. It wont be too bad. Lots of phone calls still have to be made tomorrow tho. This one HOA company wants their money but dont seem to be able to get back to people. Hm, imagine that. PAIN IN THE ASSSSS!!!

Anyhow. Work was just crazy. Everyone and their moms were coming into the office today for meetings or just to talk to them or someone needed something to be signed. AH! And of course...no one was at their desk when I needed to get to them. I mean, come on...why not?!

I did think it was funny tho when the Sheriff's dept pulled up today. I was in the middle of doing some bills and noticed him pull up. I immediatly turned my phone on silent and was like oh shit. Like I did something wrong. haha. It was my first reaction. I giggled...yes, I giggled to myself when I noticed what I said. Ah. Good times.

Well, I am having Easter dinner at "my house" (its nice to call it that) and we are having my family (mom and brothers) and some of her family come over. It will give my mom the satisfaction of being "invited" over. Shes been on this kick of "when am I coming over?" And Im like...uh, whenever? haha. She knows she can come by whenever she wants, she just wants the invitation she says. Well, heres your invitation! :) Although, Im going to have to buy a couple bottles of wine to get me thru the day. My mom can be a bit nerve racking sometimes. I share lots of things in common with my mother, like not knowing when to stop...talking. So, I will drink my bottles of wine, laugh, have a flushed face, share some glances with my love, and when everyones gone, im getting into my pjs and im passing out! We have to make sure we have dinner early just because its on a Sunday and people have to work the next day....ME!

Which brings me to my next thought...IVE GOT TO FIND A JOB CLOSER TO HOME!! From my moms house to work is 20 mins. From my house to work is now roughly 45 mins. Which gives SOME time for traffic backups...but not always. Ugh. Some mornings, I coast to work. No stopping and going. Stopping and going. Oh my god. Its so annoying!!! And maybe its because I have a stick shift. Im not even sure. I just hate being in fourth gear and then all the sudden everyones brake lights go on and its stopped and I have to shift back to second or I come to a complete stop and have to start all over again. AND THEN! If you are completely out of it...you miss your exit, like I did this morning. haha. I literally just passed it and I was like SHIT!! But, it was too late to stop. But, LUCKILY there was an exit not to far that didnt take me WAY out of my way.

And I know this is going to sound horrible but last night im laying in bed after a quicky. And when I mean quicky...I mean, real quick. It was going on a week and a half since anything and I was starting to get worried and then things start to progress and then as quickly as things got started, things ended. I was a bit upset. I didnt really give her my best...haha. I wasnt too happy. BUT anyhow...im laying in bed and im thinking. Wow. The week before I moved in (2 weeks ago), we had it going on at least 3 times a week. I move in...now its every 10 days. I cant deal with this. But, I dont know how to go about saying..."Look. I have needs. And those needs need to be met by you. And that needs to happen, ah, about 3-4 times a week. More if you have time." Yeah, im not really sure how I can say that without being mean, or blunt, or whatever. Eh, Ill work it out. We all have things in life that we like, and well...she is one of them. :) I just cant go another week and a half is all. haha.

Its amazing what some people say...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFxk7glmMbo

This is completely sickning. People arent listening...?

I think everyone heard loud and clear. Some OPINIONS are best to be left to the imagination instead of speading hatred. And thats exactly what it was. Pure and simple.

I dare ya...double dare ya!

Since all the numbers are now changed, asshole psycho ex cant get ahold of any of us...she decided to email.

The email included a picture of someone I dated (J-o...you all get it) and says EW. *grow up* And she says that my girlfriend "raped" her of her youth. Hm. If thats soooo....why did she stay so long in the relationship. If thats true, why is she so crazy that she feels the need to let me know how much of a back stabbing bitch I am? If thats true, why did any of this start? Im just wondering. Also, she went on to explain to my girlfriend who she fucked while they were dating. Wait a second, Im the whore? LUCY, YOU HAVE S'ME ESPLAINING TO DO! Im just confused is all.

What constitutes a whore or whor-ish behavior? Lets take a look at this.

Websters dictionary says:
Noun -
1. a woman who engages in sexual acts for money; see PROSTITUTE.
2. a venal or unscrupulous person

Verb -
1. to have unlawful sexual intercourse as or with a whore

Hm. Now, I dont THINK im a whore from these definitions and again, if anyone would like to set the record straight, please go ahead. I do not go around telling my ex, or anyone for that matter, who ive slept with while I was in a relationship. To me that sounds a bit like a whore.

If you have noticed, I HATE being called a whore. I think that if someone really wants to get under someones skin, get to the truth. Hit someone with something hard. Calling someone a whore is just stupid. And calling people fat to people who are well fat - well, thats just being observant isnt it? Way to go kid. You are destined for greatness.

Its amazing who quickly she was ready to point out that she is 21 as of December. Congrats! Im 22! LETS HAVE A PARTY! Why? Why is that signifigant to anything you are saying? Im still working on processing that one.

I am trying my best to not let this girl get to me. I just cant help but want to tear her hair out and punch her several times in her head. Im not a violent person, Im really not. Just dont come at me with the idea of "if I see you, ill kick your ass." That just sounds like a dare to me, and I never back down from a dare.

Hours and hours and hours of BULL SHIT!!!

After many hours of bull shit and lies upon lies upon yet more lies...I finally ended this arguement once and for all. I changed my numbered.

Ive heard more lies about my personal life than ever before. Im a whore. I steal girlfriends away from my friends. (example of this...I stole Mary away from her and I stole my best friend (with whom we have only shared drunken kisses with) from an ex friend...thats a whole lot of stealing). Im a back stabbing bitch. I crossed a line. And maybe I did. Maybe I did cross a line by dating someones ex. But, from one of the voicemails that I just recieved today says..."we were over for like 2 years." If thats true, why doesnt it matter? It matters to her because it was her first girlfriend. Ok. I understand you have this unquenchable love for this woman. Ok. But, really...after two years and her excuse of, "I left her because I wanted a better orgasim and not to be so tied down. Mary got boring." Again...what does me being with her have any thing to do with me being with her now? Nothing. Am I missing something here? Am I unaware that Im a whore? If so, I would like someone to let me know. Im just completely out of the loop I guess. Im not even sure.

I know that I should let her get to me. And I did let her today. She knows that, I know that. BUT she wont anymore. Just like my girlfriend has said...if she is happily in a relationship right now, and shes boo-hooing about her friend hooking up with her ex, and shes telling all this to her current girlfriend, how will her girlfriend feel about hearing about all this? I know that I wouldnt want to hear my girlfriend crying and hollering about whatever my ex is doing. Thats why they are called exs. No I understand, its not the best feeling to think about your ex - someone you loved is now with one of your friends. But, really...its been years. Anyone who knows about this person I speak of knows that things cant just be dropped. Its a whole ordeal. Its a huge fiasco. Everything has to have drama trailing behind it. Its all about HER!

...im trying my best to just let it all go. But, I know that just changing my number WILL NOT solve this problem. She will call everyone that is associated with me and my girlfriend INCLUDING my girlfriends family. Who does that?! God damn I wish she would just use her brain and realize how fucking crazy she sounds! How nothing she said to me makes any sense or has any truth behind it. She has gotten her stories from someone who hated me for so long. I know I do NOT have to explain myself to anyone, especially not her, but jesus christ! Where does the girl get this shit from?!

Im getting upset again...Ive got to calm down. I know eventually ill get over this. But, until I know for sure that shes not going to stalk me or my girlfriend will be the day that I dont care about what shes doing.

Well, my nightmare is here...

Well, she finally found out. We all know what im talking about here. Me and my girlfriend went to Target near her house and well someone who knows me, my girlfriend and "the ex" saw me and her yesterday. I figured last night that it was just a matter of time before it got out. I guess this person felt the need to ask "the ex" if she knew we were together or something along the lines of that. I feel some relief. But, as soon as I got the text message saying, "I can only hope that your relationship with Mary carries the intention of a friendship. I hope that you wouldnt stab me in the back..." I so wanted to say get off your high horse, it wasnt about you. But, I didnt. I actually didnt say a thing. Hard to believe considering I always have something to say. But, I didnt want her to get the best of me. I didnt want her to think that I was affected by her words. I wasnt sure if I should be nice about it or be blunt about it.

...now she is calling me...lets see what the voicemail has to say...

Hm. Now im a whore. Im a backstabbing whore who if I dont stay away from her, Ill have my ass kicked. Um, one...lets give it a try. Two...shes calling ME a whore? Right...

I basically just told her that shes one for calling someone a whore. She fucked someone elses ex while she was still hooked up with someone else. And I only know of one time, who is to say that it didnt happen more than once. Oh well. Im trying my best not to feed into her BS but its hard not to stand up for myself. Im not someone who just likes to sit back while someone is talking shit. I have so much anger and rage pulsing thru my veins right now that I just want to punch her.

From the very beginning I felt bad about dating this persons ex but I couldnt help myself. I am so happy that I made the decision to be with her. I cant imagine it any other way. Wait, I can. I can imagine what it was like last night and the nights before "the ex" found out. Ugh.

I know that once "the ex" gets over herself and moves THE FUCK ON, I can have my life go back to normal.

And can I just say how funny it is that she tells me to stay away from her? When did I last see you? MONTHS!!! Last summer. I dont even know. The only way im going to see her is if she makes some sort of effort to see me. And then, well...thats just FUCKING crazy. I know this bitch is crazy. Ive seen it. I only hoped she was getting better. I would hate to be the one who finally made her snap. But, really...Im not even worrying about it. Shes a god damn crazy bitch with her own intentions and her own ideas on how things are and should be.

...shes fucking calling me again. Hm. Maybe shes calling me a whore again. ...I wouldnt be surprised.

Yup, Im still a whore. And SUPPOSEDLY I take people' s girlfriends away from people. Wow...I was completely unaware. So Ive taken her girlfriend away...but from what I was under the impression of was that things were over between her and my girlfriend. And ive taken away Tara away from Brandi. Hm. Wow. I wish I had known that one...I would have set the record straight a long time ago. Shame. It really is. And now im just getting voicemails of her saying the same damn thing. Im a whore. And everytime I tell her to grow up, she says...me grow up? Really Jenn, really? Yeah. Thats what I said. I didnt stutter, I dont think.

Oh my. I can see this is going to be an ongoing battle.

My mom

I love my mom...but she keeps putting this hardship with her bills on me. I am moving out in less than a month and she got turned down for her refinance. She keeps making it known that since im moving out that she is going to be fucked for paying the bills.

Everyone I talk to tells me that she NEVER should have depended on my money as a income in the house. That the money I gave her was her own spending money if you will. I feel like shit everytime she tells me that she might lose the house. I am really really sorry that I cant help her. But, I cant. I can NOT stay at home any longer. I want to be with my girlfriend, dont get me wrong...but I cant stay at my mothers house because of all the BS that I deal with. My brother walks all over everyone in that house and my mother does NOTHING! She threatens to kick him out, but she will never follow thru with it. He takes and takes and takes from her but she keeps giving to him.

Im at a complete loss here. I dont know what do. Do I stay with my mother and live the same drama filled life at home just to be able to give my mother money, OR do I move in with my girlfriend. Its just all too much for me.

I just dont understand...

...why is it that as soon as you pop a pimple on your forehead or just some place SUPER obvious that someone comes by just as soon as you get done. You know your face is all red in one spot and they know you were picking at a pimple because they do the same thing. Except this time, it was your turn to look blotchy. Ugh. I just cant win for losing.

And another thing...just because you have the money, do you really have to buy 4 and 5 cars? I saw my boss with a brand spankin new Porshe this morning. He is also having a HUGE house built right now. Its amazing how he is doing all this when his business is not doing so hot with the market the way it is. But he can still spend like no other. I have to watch what im spending when I do my Sam's club and Staples orders...makes sense of course. I think that even if I had money or somehow came into money or whatever...that I really wouldnt go over board. I would travel. I would buy a nice house, but I wouldnt go nuts. Eh, I dont know. Maybe those people who come from money think that money will always be around.

This weekend...

...was wonderful.

I went to the beach with my girlfriend and just had a really good time. There was nothing going on at the beach but it was far enough away that we knew no one would bother us. And there would be no way we could help anyone out immediately.

On Saturday, we thought there was going to be some outlets down at the ocean...and once we got out and noticed that there was nothing, and I mean really nothing at all...we headed back to the hotel room where we sat around all afternoon in our pajamas and talked. We talked about everything. Family, life, work, past relationships, the future...we talked about it all. It was so nice to just chill out and not have to worry about time or doing something. We grabbed dinner at this seafood place that ended up being really shitty, over priced seafood that tasted fishy. But, its all good - live and learn.

Sunday we got up early, started the morning off with a work out... :) and then started heading home. We had already decided that we wanted to stop off at the outlets in Queenstown because they looked a whole hell of a lot nicer than the 8 shops in Ocean City. So we stopped over there and looked around. We picked up a couple of things for ourselves and somethings for the house. I saw this store called Pfilzcraft...Im totally spelling it wrong but oh well...and its just like all things kitchen. I LOVE KITCHEN GADGETS! I cant get enough of them. haha. Anyhow, we stopped in the store and as soon as we get in we both start seeing things we like. We are both saying, oh my...ive got to have this. haha. We picked up some nice mixing bowls because she doesnt really have any. We got some really really cute measuring cups..they match the mixing bowls. :) She got herself a pizza pan and a kitchen table candle holder thing. Over all, it was a good shopping day for the both of us.

This weekend has def brought us closer. I didnt think we could be closer, but it def did. She asked if I would move in sooner and I want to soooo bad, but I def need to find a job closer to her and I found that out this morning trying to get to work. :( Traffic to get thru the tunnel and then there was a huge accident on 97 that was back all the way up next to my house. It was bad. But, again...live and learn.

I will just have to start looking. I just hate trying to get a job. I dont really like dressing up. haha. Well, I do...just not every day! At work now, I make myself look presentable, but nothing over the top.

I will just have to bite the bullet and find a new job closer over there. Wish me luck!! :)