So, this past Friday, Friday the 13th, I was laid off from my job due to the fact that I was not "up to par" as they like to say there. Of course, its only after the week of the warranty guy being out all that week and me busting hump to make sure people have AC but I still wasnt up to par. Ugh.
But, I was happy to leave. No doubt about it. Although, they found it to be precausionary to excort me up to my desk to gather my things. What a joke. As if Im going to become this disgruntled employee who destroys everything. Hm. No. But, whatever.
On the bright side, Ive heard back from a couple people and ive got some interviews lined up. Hopefully something wonderful will turn up for me. Something that will end up being a long term job. I hate going from company to company in a short amount of time. But they all never seem to work out. Anyhow.
Thats my story. :)
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
My dad loves me...
For some reason, I've just started thinking about my dad. He just popped into my head. I miss him a lot. I'm sure it will be another 4 years or so that I will see him again, but that week in Alabama was a really good time. I didn’t do a lot of talking about things with dad that I previously thought I was going to want to do. I mean I did but I didn’t. We had a couple good talks about things.
But, I think the thing I will remember the most will be the Wednesday that I was up there and as I was getting ready in the morning, my brother was outside and my dad came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me and said, “Jennifer, have I told you that I loved you today?” At the time I didn’t know what to think. I of course said I love you too dad and laughed it off. But right now, its bringing tears to my eyes.
My dad loves me. I didn’t think I would ever hear those words in person. I've heard them over the phone but to have my dad right in front of me saying that he loved me was a really good feeling. I think I've always longed for my dads love. No, I know I have. For the longest time I hated my dad so much. But, in reality all I ever wanted was for him to grab me and never let go. I can remember once when he came to the townhouse to visit, I was probably like 14 and I was just being as stubborn as ever and I refused to see him. I was upstairs watching TV he comes in and I look at him and I throw a blanket over my head. I didn’t even want him to see me. I was so angry at him for coming in my bedroom and saying that he loved me and wanted me to come downstairs and join everyone. I hated him so much right then and there. But, I really wanted him to pick me up and just hold me and tell me how much he loved me. Knowing me, I would have broke down and told him that I loved him too but I missed him so much. But, that never happened.
I was about 8 or 9 when I stopped talking to my dad. He made my mother cry for the last time over the phone. I took the phone from my mother and I said, “Dad, stop calling here. I'm never going to talk to you again.” And I didn’t. I don’t think anyone knew right then that I was serious. I had no desire to see my father, to talk to my father or ever hear about anything he was doing. Finally, one day I talked to my father about something that was going on with the family. I was about 16-17 years old by the time this happened.
I just talked. I listened to what he had to say and that was it. Once the conversation was over I gave the phone to my mother and I went about my business. Of course my mom and dad were talking to each other about the fact that I had just talk to him. Mom said that dad was surprised to hear my voice on the phone. After that dad called a couple times and mom would ask me if I wanted to talk with him, but I said no. I didn’t really have anything to talk about. I probably talk to him 3 or 4 times in 2 years and the conversations were always strained. Basic questions. While my brother Will and dad had great conversations about everything and more. I wanted that but I didn’t want to be the one to start it. I didn’t want it to look like I wanted to talk to my father.
I hadn’t seen my father in years. Over 10 years by the time he came to my graduation. I knew he was coming and I was nervous as hell. I got the knock at the door and there he was. My dad. (Basically my brother Will only older. Will has ALL of dads DNA.) He comes in, sits down and the room is quiet. I look at him and I say, wow...Will looks just like you. He says really, you think? He asks me to go to breakfast with him, but I told him I had eaten already. I hadn’t but I didn’t want to be in public with no place to go with my dad. He stayed for a week. The best week. I don’t remember doing a whole lot. But, I just remember having my dad around. I liked the idea of coming home from work and he was there. Mom said it was nice to have a man in the house, just this man isn’t the one she wanted. Haha. And of course all good things must come to an end. As he was leaving, we all break down in tears. All us kids sitting on the sofa watching our dad with his things leaving us forever. At least that’s what it felt like. Dad starts crying and tells us that he is sorry for everything he did to mom. And that it never should have happened. He explained that he knows that sorry cant take that pain away but he wanted us to know that.
It took me another 4 years to see him. Almost 4 years to the date. Of course while being in Alabama wasn’t a thrill (my granny was in the hospital), it was really awesome to be near dad. I couldn’t wait to come home, but I didn’t want dad to leave again. Even at the airport I couldn’t wait to go home. It wasn’t until we actually got to the boarding area and sat down to wait for the planes to arrive, did it hit me. This could be the last time I see him. I started to tear up but I didn’t want anyone to see me. I sucked it up hoping that would be all I would see from the water works. Nope. Dads plane gets called to start boarding. Me and Will keep fighting the emotions. I look away only to start crying. I suck it up and look his way. Dad has his eyes fixed on us kids. He boards the plane and that’s when both of us just let it out. Finally I had enough, I stopped my crying. I hate crying over him. I only cry over him when he is leaving us. You think I would have gotten used to that by now. Guess not.
Its funny, even as I recall this story (which has to be about the millionth time) I cant help but want to see him right now. He still angers me sometimes. The things he says or something he does. But, ive come to the conclusion that its just the way he does things.
I don’t know why exactly he is in my head, maybe he was thinking about me. Who knows. Either way, I love my dad and he loves me too.
But, I think the thing I will remember the most will be the Wednesday that I was up there and as I was getting ready in the morning, my brother was outside and my dad came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me and said, “Jennifer, have I told you that I loved you today?” At the time I didn’t know what to think. I of course said I love you too dad and laughed it off. But right now, its bringing tears to my eyes.
My dad loves me. I didn’t think I would ever hear those words in person. I've heard them over the phone but to have my dad right in front of me saying that he loved me was a really good feeling. I think I've always longed for my dads love. No, I know I have. For the longest time I hated my dad so much. But, in reality all I ever wanted was for him to grab me and never let go. I can remember once when he came to the townhouse to visit, I was probably like 14 and I was just being as stubborn as ever and I refused to see him. I was upstairs watching TV he comes in and I look at him and I throw a blanket over my head. I didn’t even want him to see me. I was so angry at him for coming in my bedroom and saying that he loved me and wanted me to come downstairs and join everyone. I hated him so much right then and there. But, I really wanted him to pick me up and just hold me and tell me how much he loved me. Knowing me, I would have broke down and told him that I loved him too but I missed him so much. But, that never happened.
I was about 8 or 9 when I stopped talking to my dad. He made my mother cry for the last time over the phone. I took the phone from my mother and I said, “Dad, stop calling here. I'm never going to talk to you again.” And I didn’t. I don’t think anyone knew right then that I was serious. I had no desire to see my father, to talk to my father or ever hear about anything he was doing. Finally, one day I talked to my father about something that was going on with the family. I was about 16-17 years old by the time this happened.
I just talked. I listened to what he had to say and that was it. Once the conversation was over I gave the phone to my mother and I went about my business. Of course my mom and dad were talking to each other about the fact that I had just talk to him. Mom said that dad was surprised to hear my voice on the phone. After that dad called a couple times and mom would ask me if I wanted to talk with him, but I said no. I didn’t really have anything to talk about. I probably talk to him 3 or 4 times in 2 years and the conversations were always strained. Basic questions. While my brother Will and dad had great conversations about everything and more. I wanted that but I didn’t want to be the one to start it. I didn’t want it to look like I wanted to talk to my father.
I hadn’t seen my father in years. Over 10 years by the time he came to my graduation. I knew he was coming and I was nervous as hell. I got the knock at the door and there he was. My dad. (Basically my brother Will only older. Will has ALL of dads DNA.) He comes in, sits down and the room is quiet. I look at him and I say, wow...Will looks just like you. He says really, you think? He asks me to go to breakfast with him, but I told him I had eaten already. I hadn’t but I didn’t want to be in public with no place to go with my dad. He stayed for a week. The best week. I don’t remember doing a whole lot. But, I just remember having my dad around. I liked the idea of coming home from work and he was there. Mom said it was nice to have a man in the house, just this man isn’t the one she wanted. Haha. And of course all good things must come to an end. As he was leaving, we all break down in tears. All us kids sitting on the sofa watching our dad with his things leaving us forever. At least that’s what it felt like. Dad starts crying and tells us that he is sorry for everything he did to mom. And that it never should have happened. He explained that he knows that sorry cant take that pain away but he wanted us to know that.
It took me another 4 years to see him. Almost 4 years to the date. Of course while being in Alabama wasn’t a thrill (my granny was in the hospital), it was really awesome to be near dad. I couldn’t wait to come home, but I didn’t want dad to leave again. Even at the airport I couldn’t wait to go home. It wasn’t until we actually got to the boarding area and sat down to wait for the planes to arrive, did it hit me. This could be the last time I see him. I started to tear up but I didn’t want anyone to see me. I sucked it up hoping that would be all I would see from the water works. Nope. Dads plane gets called to start boarding. Me and Will keep fighting the emotions. I look away only to start crying. I suck it up and look his way. Dad has his eyes fixed on us kids. He boards the plane and that’s when both of us just let it out. Finally I had enough, I stopped my crying. I hate crying over him. I only cry over him when he is leaving us. You think I would have gotten used to that by now. Guess not.
Its funny, even as I recall this story (which has to be about the millionth time) I cant help but want to see him right now. He still angers me sometimes. The things he says or something he does. But, ive come to the conclusion that its just the way he does things.
I don’t know why exactly he is in my head, maybe he was thinking about me. Who knows. Either way, I love my dad and he loves me too.
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