My dad loves me...

For some reason, I've just started thinking about my dad. He just popped into my head. I miss him a lot. I'm sure it will be another 4 years or so that I will see him again, but that week in Alabama was a really good time. I didn’t do a lot of talking about things with dad that I previously thought I was going to want to do. I mean I did but I didn’t. We had a couple good talks about things.

But, I think the thing I will remember the most will be the Wednesday that I was up there and as I was getting ready in the morning, my brother was outside and my dad came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me and said, “Jennifer, have I told you that I loved you today?” At the time I didn’t know what to think. I of course said I love you too dad and laughed it off. But right now, its bringing tears to my eyes.

My dad loves me. I didn’t think I would ever hear those words in person. I've heard them over the phone but to have my dad right in front of me saying that he loved me was a really good feeling. I think I've always longed for my dads love. No, I know I have. For the longest time I hated my dad so much. But, in reality all I ever wanted was for him to grab me and never let go. I can remember once when he came to the townhouse to visit, I was probably like 14 and I was just being as stubborn as ever and I refused to see him. I was upstairs watching TV he comes in and I look at him and I throw a blanket over my head. I didn’t even want him to see me. I was so angry at him for coming in my bedroom and saying that he loved me and wanted me to come downstairs and join everyone. I hated him so much right then and there. But, I really wanted him to pick me up and just hold me and tell me how much he loved me. Knowing me, I would have broke down and told him that I loved him too but I missed him so much. But, that never happened.

I was about 8 or 9 when I stopped talking to my dad. He made my mother cry for the last time over the phone. I took the phone from my mother and I said, “Dad, stop calling here. I'm never going to talk to you again.” And I didn’t. I don’t think anyone knew right then that I was serious. I had no desire to see my father, to talk to my father or ever hear about anything he was doing. Finally, one day I talked to my father about something that was going on with the family. I was about 16-17 years old by the time this happened.

I just talked. I listened to what he had to say and that was it. Once the conversation was over I gave the phone to my mother and I went about my business. Of course my mom and dad were talking to each other about the fact that I had just talk to him. Mom said that dad was surprised to hear my voice on the phone. After that dad called a couple times and mom would ask me if I wanted to talk with him, but I said no. I didn’t really have anything to talk about. I probably talk to him 3 or 4 times in 2 years and the conversations were always strained. Basic questions. While my brother Will and dad had great conversations about everything and more. I wanted that but I didn’t want to be the one to start it. I didn’t want it to look like I wanted to talk to my father.

I hadn’t seen my father in years. Over 10 years by the time he came to my graduation. I knew he was coming and I was nervous as hell. I got the knock at the door and there he was. My dad. (Basically my brother Will only older. Will has ALL of dads DNA.) He comes in, sits down and the room is quiet. I look at him and I say, wow...Will looks just like you. He says really, you think? He asks me to go to breakfast with him, but I told him I had eaten already. I hadn’t but I didn’t want to be in public with no place to go with my dad. He stayed for a week. The best week. I don’t remember doing a whole lot. But, I just remember having my dad around. I liked the idea of coming home from work and he was there. Mom said it was nice to have a man in the house, just this man isn’t the one she wanted. Haha. And of course all good things must come to an end. As he was leaving, we all break down in tears. All us kids sitting on the sofa watching our dad with his things leaving us forever. At least that’s what it felt like. Dad starts crying and tells us that he is sorry for everything he did to mom. And that it never should have happened. He explained that he knows that sorry cant take that pain away but he wanted us to know that.

It took me another 4 years to see him. Almost 4 years to the date. Of course while being in Alabama wasn’t a thrill (my granny was in the hospital), it was really awesome to be near dad. I couldn’t wait to come home, but I didn’t want dad to leave again. Even at the airport I couldn’t wait to go home. It wasn’t until we actually got to the boarding area and sat down to wait for the planes to arrive, did it hit me. This could be the last time I see him. I started to tear up but I didn’t want anyone to see me. I sucked it up hoping that would be all I would see from the water works. Nope. Dads plane gets called to start boarding. Me and Will keep fighting the emotions. I look away only to start crying. I suck it up and look his way. Dad has his eyes fixed on us kids. He boards the plane and that’s when both of us just let it out. Finally I had enough, I stopped my crying. I hate crying over him. I only cry over him when he is leaving us. You think I would have gotten used to that by now. Guess not.

Its funny, even as I recall this story (which has to be about the millionth time) I cant help but want to see him right now. He still angers me sometimes. The things he says or something he does. But, ive come to the conclusion that its just the way he does things.

I don’t know why exactly he is in my head, maybe he was thinking about me. Who knows. Either way, I love my dad and he loves me too.

This weekend...

was just really really rough for me.

Friday night...good. Great actually. Lots of personal time with my love. MMMMhhhhm. You know what I mean? haha.

Saturday started off by me dropping my car off at the shop to have it looked at. Depression sets in after I do that. Mary tried to keep me upbeat and positive but there are two things that I will never be positive about. My car being dropped off after its been making a LOUD noise and going to the dentist. Two things I dread!!! So, again...im all depressed and then I get the phone call from the shop. Yeah, my converter was cracked in half, my muffler was rusted out and I needed an oil change. The muffler was still under warranty...YAY! $100 right there I didnt have to pay. But, the converter alone was going to cost me $560. Sooooo...after gathering every last piece of change I had laying around, I made the money come together and I was able to get it fixed. I def load off my shoulders. BUT im so broke. Ive never had NO money. Ive always had some money. It might not have been a lot but Ive always had some. Its a really bad feeling to not have any money. And then on Saturday evening, from about 5pm-1130pm, I was home alone. Mary had to work and I couldnt go anywhere. It was sorta nice to just be by myself. It was such a nice day on Saturday that I sat out front and watched the sun set. And then I went inside and just felt the cool breeze run thru the house. I did get a lot of accomplished on Saturday. I cleaned the whole house, I shaved my legs (it was about 2 weeks of growth. haha) and I just took some time to sit and write. I just wrote about whats going on with my life and how things are going and how I would like the future to be and all that good stuff. It turned out to be a good day after all.

And then Sunday was good too. Me and the love woke up to the sun shining in in the bedroom and we just laid there snuggled up to each other and just talked about whatever was on our minds. We ended up going to Home Depot for some things we needed and of course we both have ideas of how we want the kitchen to look like or just the house in general. :) Then we went grocery shopping. Ugh. I have to be in the mood to go grocery shopping. I cant just go to the store. haha. I get frustrated by people in the store. But, I made it thru and we cooked up some hamburgers and hotdogs on the grill. :) The night was cool so we hopped into the hot tub for some relaxation before going to bed.

Overall, the weekend totally stressed me out but it ended up being better than I thought.

Hot and bothered...

...Yes, its true. hahaha.

Ah, its Friday. And it looks like its going to be a decent day. OF course...my woman is getting off work early today and I cant leave early because I took a half day on Tuesday or was it Wednesday. Ugh, I dont even remember and I took a day last week. SOOOO....I will have to grin and bare it until 5pm. Which, I cant wait until. Just because ITS THE WEEKEND!!! Oh yes. AND my love is off on Saturday and I get to have her all to myself in between the Orkin man being at the house and going to Target. haha.

I cant wait until lunch!!!! I got paid today! So, ive got a check, but noooo money. Oh yeah. Its great. But, soon enough, I will have some money in my hand! But, not for long. Ive got to pay my part of the mortgage and my cell bill and my car insurance and ive got to put some money aside for my student loan. Bills...I hate them soooo much. I wish I didnt have them at all. But, I cant live without a cell phone, so I have to pay them. And I COULD live without paying my car insurance until I get into an accident and then Ill be paying lots and lots of money that I dont already have. And my student loan...well, I didnt pay them for a LONG time and Ive just recently started paying them so they could get off my back. So Ill keep paying them.

I do have a plan tho. When I get that tax break return shiznit that everyone is getting this summer I plan on paying some things off that I owe.

1. M&T Bank. Yes, I over drew on my account, and well...never paid them back. Stupid, young and did I mention stupid? Yeah. I dont owe much...hopefully they didnt tack on fees and fees and more fees. I owed them about $75 the last time I checked. Ill have to do some research on how much I actually owe.
2. Provident Bank. I know what your thinking...TWO banks? Yes. I overdrew at two banks. I BELIEVE I owe about $60 on this account. Again, if there are no fees attached to the account now. And if there are, I will have to see if I cant make some sort of deal with them OR payment plan.
3. No idea who its thru CREDIT CARD. All I ever had was ONE credit card and I totally fucked it up. haha. It was a very small amount credit card, I think like $150 and by the time I actually got the card there was $75 of fees for getting it. haha. And of course, I spent the rest of it and then never paid them. I think I made a couple payments but nothing too much. So out of a $150 credit card limit, I believe I now owe something along the lines of $500. Damn credit card people. They will jack your shit up if you dont pay them and they know they will get you some way or another. You dont pay - you have a bad mark on your credit report. So, Ill have to call them and negociate some sort of deal to pay them too. Even if its in payments. $20 a month is better than nothing at all. This one I dont so much as expect to pay it off but I would like to get started on paying it back.

So thats my plan. My New Year Resolution was to get myself back on track financially and im determined to do that. I keep hoping someone will give me and chance but Ive finally realized that no one will if I dont pay this shit off. And I know it will take a long time for it to come off my credit report and give me back some credit BUT its the first step in the right direction. NOW I just need to find a job closer to home so I dont spend so much money in gas and Ill be good to go! YAY!

I am so happy with my life right now. There are some things in it that of course need working on but im really happy. Ive got a great girlfriend who loves me and cares for me. Ive finally been able to get along with my brothers for once. Since I dont see them every day, we have all realized that we most def lean on each other for support and how much we love each other. My mom has some sort of idea that im not coming back! Shes getting it. Shes not quite used to the idea, but its growing on her. Ive got a good job - minus the pay issue. Ive got great friends and a wonderful new family. What more could I ask for?! Well, other than more money and a new car...what MORE could I ask for? haha. Im the happiest ive been in a really long time and it feels great. I know that I totally deserve all the happiness I can get. Ive earned it.

LOOK OUT 2009! Im going to be on top!!! I can see it now. :)

Shampoo

I LOVE buying new shampoo to use. Those first couple washings are the best. You can smell your hair all day long. :)

...and I ♥ Herbal Essence. Its the best.

Every day

I fall more and more in love with her.

Yesterday was a great day. Well, it started off shitty. It was an Everyone-Hates-Jenn day. But, finally instead of letting my anger get the best of me, I told my love that I wanted to see her. And later in the day I went over and as soon as I walked in the door, it was clear that we were going to have a goooooood night. *SMILES!* Passionate kissing lead to bedroom pleasing. Over all one of the best nights. :) And then the cuddling. Ah huh. I love her so much. At one point she just looks in my eyes and says I am so in love with you...over the top in love with you. I couldnt help but melt right then and there. There is so much passion between me and her that Ive never felt this connection with anyone ever. It feels so good to finally be in love with someone who feels the same for you. Im get excited thinking about the future with this woman. I think about all the kids we want to have and the fact that im so in love with someone that I can actually imagine having this kind of life with her. I think about getting married to her. I think about growing old with her. I think about her in every conceivable way and it always puts a smile on my face and butterflies in my stomach.

...thinking about all this now, I have a big smile on my face.

I cant imagine loving her any less. And I cant imagine loving anyone else.

Of course there are times when I think that ive jumped the gun on this one. Ive always had a problem not saying no or hold up. haha. But, I am so glad I took the chance to love someone. Im so glad that I finally realized that there was someone great standing in front of me and all I had to do was open my heart to her. After I did that, I found the love ive been waiting for.

Yeah, im not usually all about this love stuff. But, I guess since ive finally found the one for me, it shines a new light for me. :)