Im going to be quitting smoking here in a day or so. Ive got one pack left and then im quitting.
I really dont have a choice. I literally have NO money for cigs. I guess I cant look at it as a bad thing. Ive cut back a lot before and ALMOST quit, but I didnt quite quit. But, im determined to quit. There isnt anyone at home who really smokes. Im not around my brother long enough to get a craving. Im broke so I cant go see my girls on Friday night and go over to Mikes where EVERYONE smokes. So, there wont be any tempation. Ive just got to get my routine of smoking out of the way. I smoke in the car on my way to work...I even have a place every morning when I reach for the cigs. I smoke on my lunch break like a chimney. I smoke on my way home. And I sometimes smoke when I get home. But, im determined to break this habit. Cigarettes are really expensive now. I didnt think that a dollar increase would be that much, but god damn! Im paying up to $6 for a pack. HELL NO! I like my lungs a lot more. Im just hoping my body doesnt get mad at me and I turn into a bitch who just wants nicotine. It is going to be a habit that is going to be very hard to break.
IM GOING TO QUIT AND THATS THAT!
I know I can do it. Its just going to be that initial withdraw. Once I get over that, ill be good to go.
Wish me luck!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Where do I start?
I love that the internet has so many answers to so many questions that everyone has, but why is it that when you are looking for one answer - every site just gives you a round about idea? I just want to know one thing, its not that hard.
Ive finally come to conclusions about my life recently. I cant wait for shit to happen. Ive got to take the bull by the horns and just do it! I have what I like to call, "Procrastination-itis." I always say, "Ohhh theres always another day." Yes, thats true, there is another day. But, why cant it be done today? Im lazy when it comes to some things. I admit it. But, I cant just sit back and hope that one day things will get done. I washed clothes earlier this week, and they are still in baskets. Why did I not just put them away? I had the time. I figured - they will be there tomorrow. I never paid my credit cards or just bills in general on time. Why? Because, I had the money but decided that other things were more important? Pretty much. NOOWWWW...im paying the price of "waiting another day."
I just annoy myself sometimes. I dont always think all the way ahead. I guess it could be worse. I could not realize this and continue to make the same mistakes. But, im tired of making mistakes. Im tired of the run around. I just want to be on the right path. The path to being "comfortable."
It allllll comes down to money. When you have enough money, you dont worry as much. When you dont have any, you stress. Plain and simple. I was thinking about money last night and how I wonder if actor and actresses and politicians and all those people realize how much money they really have. Some actors and actresses didnt always come from money. They were normal Joe Blow back in the day. They know what its like to have nothing and then to have everything. And I wonder...how many of those people actually give back to the community.
Im sure they donate to charities and good causes which is great. But, I wonder if they ever gave money to someone just walking down the street, or gave a nice fat tip to a waitress at a resturant for no reason. I think that once you come into money, some times you forget about those around you. You forget that there are "little" people - someone you once were. At work there is one of the bosses who hasnt cashed a check for a little over $2k in almost 6 months. This woman has a $700-800k house, a couple cars, a vacation house, and all that jazz. She is the one of the owners of the business. Im not saying that she doesnt need $2k but I sure as hell could. If there was some way of asking her to give me that check, I TOTALLY would. In a heart beat. Im so broke right now, I dont even know what to do. My car is a piece of shit, I have NO clothes for the summer, I need a tooth brush and more shampoo as of right now. $2k would help me out soooo much right now. Oh, my...how it would.
Ive never been a materialistic person. I love shoes and clothes and all things girly, but Ive never out spent myself to get those things. Even before now, I know what its like to be broke. To have no money for food, to do laundry or to get those summer clothes. My mother was a single mom raising three kids after running away from her abusive husband in Alabama, coming to Maryland with no place to go and living in the basement of a friend of hers from high school. I remember those days. I remember my mom busting her ass to make rent. I remember her trying her best to do what she could so that we could have what we wanted. ...Things could totally be harder for me. So right now, im broke with no money except $50 for gas until I get paid again, isnt that bad. But, again. $2k would TOTALLY help me. :)
Which brings me to my next thought. We all learned something from our parents. Whats wrong and right and how to treat people and the ways of the world. But, there are things that your parents did that you know you will never do to your own children. I know that my mom for instance, had no one else to turn to to talk to, and so I was her crying shoulder. I was her lending ear. But at 6, 7, 8 I didnt want to hear about not having money for groceries. I didnt want to hear that there was no money for basic needs. I didnt want to hear that I wasnt going to get anything on my birthday. I just didnt want to hear about all that. I wanted to be like all my other friends who just asked for things and they got it. There was no long winded speech. But, ANYHOW...I know that I will never do this to my children. Yes, children need to know that they cant just have have have have have. But, they dont need to know that there is no money in the bank for food. I will make the most of what I can do for my children. No doubt about that.
Well, thats all for me today. I have a million and one thoughts in my head this morning. Looking at this blog now, I can see that it doesnt even make sense. Ive just rambled on and on. But, whatever...it made me feel better. :)
Ive finally come to conclusions about my life recently. I cant wait for shit to happen. Ive got to take the bull by the horns and just do it! I have what I like to call, "Procrastination-itis." I always say, "Ohhh theres always another day." Yes, thats true, there is another day. But, why cant it be done today? Im lazy when it comes to some things. I admit it. But, I cant just sit back and hope that one day things will get done. I washed clothes earlier this week, and they are still in baskets. Why did I not just put them away? I had the time. I figured - they will be there tomorrow. I never paid my credit cards or just bills in general on time. Why? Because, I had the money but decided that other things were more important? Pretty much. NOOWWWW...im paying the price of "waiting another day."
I just annoy myself sometimes. I dont always think all the way ahead. I guess it could be worse. I could not realize this and continue to make the same mistakes. But, im tired of making mistakes. Im tired of the run around. I just want to be on the right path. The path to being "comfortable."
It allllll comes down to money. When you have enough money, you dont worry as much. When you dont have any, you stress. Plain and simple. I was thinking about money last night and how I wonder if actor and actresses and politicians and all those people realize how much money they really have. Some actors and actresses didnt always come from money. They were normal Joe Blow back in the day. They know what its like to have nothing and then to have everything. And I wonder...how many of those people actually give back to the community.
Im sure they donate to charities and good causes which is great. But, I wonder if they ever gave money to someone just walking down the street, or gave a nice fat tip to a waitress at a resturant for no reason. I think that once you come into money, some times you forget about those around you. You forget that there are "little" people - someone you once were. At work there is one of the bosses who hasnt cashed a check for a little over $2k in almost 6 months. This woman has a $700-800k house, a couple cars, a vacation house, and all that jazz. She is the one of the owners of the business. Im not saying that she doesnt need $2k but I sure as hell could. If there was some way of asking her to give me that check, I TOTALLY would. In a heart beat. Im so broke right now, I dont even know what to do. My car is a piece of shit, I have NO clothes for the summer, I need a tooth brush and more shampoo as of right now. $2k would help me out soooo much right now. Oh, my...how it would.
Ive never been a materialistic person. I love shoes and clothes and all things girly, but Ive never out spent myself to get those things. Even before now, I know what its like to be broke. To have no money for food, to do laundry or to get those summer clothes. My mother was a single mom raising three kids after running away from her abusive husband in Alabama, coming to Maryland with no place to go and living in the basement of a friend of hers from high school. I remember those days. I remember my mom busting her ass to make rent. I remember her trying her best to do what she could so that we could have what we wanted. ...Things could totally be harder for me. So right now, im broke with no money except $50 for gas until I get paid again, isnt that bad. But, again. $2k would TOTALLY help me. :)
Which brings me to my next thought. We all learned something from our parents. Whats wrong and right and how to treat people and the ways of the world. But, there are things that your parents did that you know you will never do to your own children. I know that my mom for instance, had no one else to turn to to talk to, and so I was her crying shoulder. I was her lending ear. But at 6, 7, 8 I didnt want to hear about not having money for groceries. I didnt want to hear that there was no money for basic needs. I didnt want to hear that I wasnt going to get anything on my birthday. I just didnt want to hear about all that. I wanted to be like all my other friends who just asked for things and they got it. There was no long winded speech. But, ANYHOW...I know that I will never do this to my children. Yes, children need to know that they cant just have have have have have. But, they dont need to know that there is no money in the bank for food. I will make the most of what I can do for my children. No doubt about that.
Well, thats all for me today. I have a million and one thoughts in my head this morning. Looking at this blog now, I can see that it doesnt even make sense. Ive just rambled on and on. But, whatever...it made me feel better. :)
Monday, April 14, 2008
This weekend...
was just really really rough for me.
Friday night...good. Great actually. Lots of personal time with my love. MMMMhhhhm. You know what I mean? haha.
Saturday started off by me dropping my car off at the shop to have it looked at. Depression sets in after I do that. Mary tried to keep me upbeat and positive but there are two things that I will never be positive about. My car being dropped off after its been making a LOUD noise and going to the dentist. Two things I dread!!! So, again...im all depressed and then I get the phone call from the shop. Yeah, my converter was cracked in half, my muffler was rusted out and I needed an oil change. The muffler was still under warranty...YAY! $100 right there I didnt have to pay. But, the converter alone was going to cost me $560. Sooooo...after gathering every last piece of change I had laying around, I made the money come together and I was able to get it fixed. I def load off my shoulders. BUT im so broke. Ive never had NO money. Ive always had some money. It might not have been a lot but Ive always had some. Its a really bad feeling to not have any money. And then on Saturday evening, from about 5pm-1130pm, I was home alone. Mary had to work and I couldnt go anywhere. It was sorta nice to just be by myself. It was such a nice day on Saturday that I sat out front and watched the sun set. And then I went inside and just felt the cool breeze run thru the house. I did get a lot of accomplished on Saturday. I cleaned the whole house, I shaved my legs (it was about 2 weeks of growth. haha) and I just took some time to sit and write. I just wrote about whats going on with my life and how things are going and how I would like the future to be and all that good stuff. It turned out to be a good day after all.
And then Sunday was good too. Me and the love woke up to the sun shining in in the bedroom and we just laid there snuggled up to each other and just talked about whatever was on our minds. We ended up going to Home Depot for some things we needed and of course we both have ideas of how we want the kitchen to look like or just the house in general. :) Then we went grocery shopping. Ugh. I have to be in the mood to go grocery shopping. I cant just go to the store. haha. I get frustrated by people in the store. But, I made it thru and we cooked up some hamburgers and hotdogs on the grill. :) The night was cool so we hopped into the hot tub for some relaxation before going to bed.
Overall, the weekend totally stressed me out but it ended up being better than I thought.
Friday night...good. Great actually. Lots of personal time with my love. MMMMhhhhm. You know what I mean? haha.
Saturday started off by me dropping my car off at the shop to have it looked at. Depression sets in after I do that. Mary tried to keep me upbeat and positive but there are two things that I will never be positive about. My car being dropped off after its been making a LOUD noise and going to the dentist. Two things I dread!!! So, again...im all depressed and then I get the phone call from the shop. Yeah, my converter was cracked in half, my muffler was rusted out and I needed an oil change. The muffler was still under warranty...YAY! $100 right there I didnt have to pay. But, the converter alone was going to cost me $560. Sooooo...after gathering every last piece of change I had laying around, I made the money come together and I was able to get it fixed. I def load off my shoulders. BUT im so broke. Ive never had NO money. Ive always had some money. It might not have been a lot but Ive always had some. Its a really bad feeling to not have any money. And then on Saturday evening, from about 5pm-1130pm, I was home alone. Mary had to work and I couldnt go anywhere. It was sorta nice to just be by myself. It was such a nice day on Saturday that I sat out front and watched the sun set. And then I went inside and just felt the cool breeze run thru the house. I did get a lot of accomplished on Saturday. I cleaned the whole house, I shaved my legs (it was about 2 weeks of growth. haha) and I just took some time to sit and write. I just wrote about whats going on with my life and how things are going and how I would like the future to be and all that good stuff. It turned out to be a good day after all.
And then Sunday was good too. Me and the love woke up to the sun shining in in the bedroom and we just laid there snuggled up to each other and just talked about whatever was on our minds. We ended up going to Home Depot for some things we needed and of course we both have ideas of how we want the kitchen to look like or just the house in general. :) Then we went grocery shopping. Ugh. I have to be in the mood to go grocery shopping. I cant just go to the store. haha. I get frustrated by people in the store. But, I made it thru and we cooked up some hamburgers and hotdogs on the grill. :) The night was cool so we hopped into the hot tub for some relaxation before going to bed.
Overall, the weekend totally stressed me out but it ended up being better than I thought.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Myspace is becoming a problem
I never thought I would say it but...
...myspace is becoming more of a problem everyday. The immaturity of someone having a problem with putting a FUCKING PICTURE UP! What the holy hell is that shit?
Ugh. Im just soooooooo over this bitch. Ive tried to be nice. Ive tried to be mean. Everyone has told her that its over, MOVE ON! But, she just cant seem to grasp that idea. She just makes me sick. Now I know what people mean by PSYCHO EXS! And shes not even MY ex!!! I just want to live my life without hearing her voice, hearing her name, hearing that shes still harassing people into see her.
And those around her right now are just being sucked into her vortex of crazy shit. I just wish she would go away! I dont care where, but just go! She needs to find herself another crazy bitch to cohoarse into being with her and then cheat on them with the ex. Ew. Shes so fucking foul. Fucking man, woman and child all the time is fucking gross.
I swear to god tho, if I hear one more time that shes called someone Im finding out where the fuck she lives and Im going to jail because im gonna beat a bitches ass. That way I will get to put all my effort into fucking her shit up after she has tried to fuck my life up.
...myspace is becoming more of a problem everyday. The immaturity of someone having a problem with putting a FUCKING PICTURE UP! What the holy hell is that shit?
Ugh. Im just soooooooo over this bitch. Ive tried to be nice. Ive tried to be mean. Everyone has told her that its over, MOVE ON! But, she just cant seem to grasp that idea. She just makes me sick. Now I know what people mean by PSYCHO EXS! And shes not even MY ex!!! I just want to live my life without hearing her voice, hearing her name, hearing that shes still harassing people into see her.
And those around her right now are just being sucked into her vortex of crazy shit. I just wish she would go away! I dont care where, but just go! She needs to find herself another crazy bitch to cohoarse into being with her and then cheat on them with the ex. Ew. Shes so fucking foul. Fucking man, woman and child all the time is fucking gross.
I swear to god tho, if I hear one more time that shes called someone Im finding out where the fuck she lives and Im going to jail because im gonna beat a bitches ass. That way I will get to put all my effort into fucking her shit up after she has tried to fuck my life up.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
When will she understand?!?!
This is my letter to the person who feels to need to run my life.
No one cares anymore, so why do you have to keep holding onto something that only you believes is true? I just don't get it. Why harass someone into speaking to you when they have told you before that they want nothing to do with you? Why tell someone that you don't care about two people being together but then you go back and once again harass this person you "care" for into leaving the one they are in love with and begging to take you back?
Why would someone take you back after you are clearly a liar and a cheat. And worst of all your psycho. You can be upset and pissed off but eventually you will have to move on and get over it. Stop holding on to something that is no longer. Memories will have to be enough because right now, I'm making memories and I don't need them tainted with your ugliness. You are not going to get the best of us. You are not going to break us up.
Together we have more love than you will ever know if you cant let go of the past. That's why they are called the past. Its done and its over with now, please move on. Not for anyone but yourself. No one will take you serious with the kind of treachery and self loathing that you feel you have to expel. Eventually you will only be known by this behavior that you show to people now. Everyone will get a taste of how you truly are and will not want to be around you, just as I have.
I never wanted things to go this way. It was never my intention of continuing my happiness to hurt yours. But, after you showed your ugly self, it proved that you were never worth my time. You need serious SERIOUS help and need it soon. I only hope you do before your self destruction takes it toll.
I hope that this letter gets to her. She needs to know that no matter what kind of drama she feels the need to do, it will not interfere with whats going on.
No one cares anymore, so why do you have to keep holding onto something that only you believes is true? I just don't get it. Why harass someone into speaking to you when they have told you before that they want nothing to do with you? Why tell someone that you don't care about two people being together but then you go back and once again harass this person you "care" for into leaving the one they are in love with and begging to take you back?
Why would someone take you back after you are clearly a liar and a cheat. And worst of all your psycho. You can be upset and pissed off but eventually you will have to move on and get over it. Stop holding on to something that is no longer. Memories will have to be enough because right now, I'm making memories and I don't need them tainted with your ugliness. You are not going to get the best of us. You are not going to break us up.
Together we have more love than you will ever know if you cant let go of the past. That's why they are called the past. Its done and its over with now, please move on. Not for anyone but yourself. No one will take you serious with the kind of treachery and self loathing that you feel you have to expel. Eventually you will only be known by this behavior that you show to people now. Everyone will get a taste of how you truly are and will not want to be around you, just as I have.
I never wanted things to go this way. It was never my intention of continuing my happiness to hurt yours. But, after you showed your ugly self, it proved that you were never worth my time. You need serious SERIOUS help and need it soon. I only hope you do before your self destruction takes it toll.
I hope that this letter gets to her. She needs to know that no matter what kind of drama she feels the need to do, it will not interfere with whats going on.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Budget...
Well, at the first of the year I made the commitment to change my finances. Ive got really shitty credit. I CAN NOT get a car on the credit I have right now, I CAN NOT get a bank account because I owe 2 banks money and there is a credit card out there floating around.
SOOOO...today ive come up with a plan for myself - see where my money actually goes. Im have a spreadsheet with my paycheck amount every two weeks minus my monthly bills. My cell phone bill, mortgage, car insurance and student loan. Ive always just taken whatever the bill is going to be each month and pay half of it each paycheck. (I get paid twice a month and on the second paycheck I pay my bill.) NOW ive got that in there as my normail monthly expense and then Ive got a space to write in whatever I buy each day. I want to see where my money goes. I know that most of it goes to me buying lunch every day. But, if it ends up being better to take that $6-7 bucks a day and take it out of my money when I get paid and go grocery store shopping, I will. I know that its more cost efficent to buy groceries than food everyday, plus its better for you. But, its sometimes easier to just get fast food. BUTTT I need to eat healthier. Its def helped that im not living at home. Im not eating lots of fried shit anymore for dinner.
ANYHOW!
Im trying to get myself on the right path of spending. I need to build a savings! Its like priority for me. I do not have ANY money saved up right now. I know, thats bad. I like hand to mouth right now. Every paycheck gets spent, right down to the penny sometimes. Ive got to get out of that habit. I dont go out during the week anymore which saves on gas and just overall spending of money. I usually only go out on Fridays anymore and thats even if I have money to spare for a drink or two. I think im going to just stay at home more often to just save money.
I hope that this works for me. I hope that maybe seeing that my money is being spent on things that I dont really need, it might make me change my habits. I NEED it to change my habits.
Money...the root of all evil.
SOOOO...today ive come up with a plan for myself - see where my money actually goes. Im have a spreadsheet with my paycheck amount every two weeks minus my monthly bills. My cell phone bill, mortgage, car insurance and student loan. Ive always just taken whatever the bill is going to be each month and pay half of it each paycheck. (I get paid twice a month and on the second paycheck I pay my bill.) NOW ive got that in there as my normail monthly expense and then Ive got a space to write in whatever I buy each day. I want to see where my money goes. I know that most of it goes to me buying lunch every day. But, if it ends up being better to take that $6-7 bucks a day and take it out of my money when I get paid and go grocery store shopping, I will. I know that its more cost efficent to buy groceries than food everyday, plus its better for you. But, its sometimes easier to just get fast food. BUTTT I need to eat healthier. Its def helped that im not living at home. Im not eating lots of fried shit anymore for dinner.
ANYHOW!
Im trying to get myself on the right path of spending. I need to build a savings! Its like priority for me. I do not have ANY money saved up right now. I know, thats bad. I like hand to mouth right now. Every paycheck gets spent, right down to the penny sometimes. Ive got to get out of that habit. I dont go out during the week anymore which saves on gas and just overall spending of money. I usually only go out on Fridays anymore and thats even if I have money to spare for a drink or two. I think im going to just stay at home more often to just save money.
I hope that this works for me. I hope that maybe seeing that my money is being spent on things that I dont really need, it might make me change my habits. I NEED it to change my habits.
Money...the root of all evil.
Drivers Ed.
I havent been living in Baltimore that long. And well, I dont really live in the city. Its county, but oh my goodness. From what I remember in drivers ed, one of the first things I learned was RIGHT OF WAY! I dont understand how some people get it and some people dont. Please dont be nice to the person across the street by giving them a chance to get out. You only fuck them up more because they know YOU have the right of way. People just were NOT getting this this morning. I know people in Baltimore cant drive but ive always noticed that they dont like to use turn signals or just cut you off. Ugh. Its so annoying. I was running 10 mins behind this morning and thats when all the morons came out. I guess the people that are usually on the road 10 mins early know what right of way means because ive never had a problem before.
No. I lied.
At the light to get onto Belair, some people know how to go and well, some people dont. I am not by any means saying that I know how to drive better than anyone else. But I know that I can drive and for the most part obey the road. Crazy drivers. They should all be summoned to go back to drivers ed.
On a lighter note, I BUSTED OUT SOME WORK YESTERDAY!!! I am super proud of myself from reserving myself from logging onto myspace and checking it out. Damn myspace. They must have some kind of subbliminal message telling you that you must look at myspace for HOURS! I try my best not to log on as long as possible but whenever im bored its the first place I go. ANYHOW! Soooo I totally got thru about 100 bills that I had to approve and sort and call utility companies and get info on. And I did it. Around 445pm yesterday I just couldnt do anything else work related. haha. And then I looked at my desk and was horrified at what it looked like. And so I just straighten up everything and put things away or found a place for it.
This is what my desk looked like around 930am. It got worse. A lot worse. I had this utility company call me about some bills I had questions on and I could NOT find the bills for the life of me. I knew I saw them at some point in the morning but I could not find them at about 3pm. haha. I found them under OTHER bills. I was searching like a mad woman. Crazy. BUT I got my desk all cleared off before I left and I came in this morning and felt sooo much better when I looked at my desk and saw that it was cleared off...some what. Ive got some new things on my desk and Ive GOT to do lots and lots and lots and did I meantion LOTS of filing today. If I just get it done then I wont have to worry about it later. Lots of filing. haha.
And can I just say how much I love this picture. :)
No. I lied.
At the light to get onto Belair, some people know how to go and well, some people dont. I am not by any means saying that I know how to drive better than anyone else. But I know that I can drive and for the most part obey the road. Crazy drivers. They should all be summoned to go back to drivers ed.
On a lighter note, I BUSTED OUT SOME WORK YESTERDAY!!! I am super proud of myself from reserving myself from logging onto myspace and checking it out. Damn myspace. They must have some kind of subbliminal message telling you that you must look at myspace for HOURS! I try my best not to log on as long as possible but whenever im bored its the first place I go. ANYHOW! Soooo I totally got thru about 100 bills that I had to approve and sort and call utility companies and get info on. And I did it. Around 445pm yesterday I just couldnt do anything else work related. haha. And then I looked at my desk and was horrified at what it looked like. And so I just straighten up everything and put things away or found a place for it.
This is what my desk looked like around 930am. It got worse. A lot worse. I had this utility company call me about some bills I had questions on and I could NOT find the bills for the life of me. I knew I saw them at some point in the morning but I could not find them at about 3pm. haha. I found them under OTHER bills. I was searching like a mad woman. Crazy. BUT I got my desk all cleared off before I left and I came in this morning and felt sooo much better when I looked at my desk and saw that it was cleared off...some what. Ive got some new things on my desk and Ive GOT to do lots and lots and lots and did I meantion LOTS of filing today. If I just get it done then I wont have to worry about it later. Lots of filing. haha.
And can I just say how much I love this picture. :)
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