My first real cry in months!

Ah, I had my first real cry last night. Like it felt good to cry. I needed to get it out! It was becoming so much. I wasnt happy at what I was crying at but it felt good none the less. I woke up this morning and felt so much better. Thank goodness for good girlfriends. I think I scared her. haha. She didnt know what to do. I dont usually show emotion in the form of crying and boohooing. Im the one who just keeps it all inside and tries to deal with it. Maybe I shouldnt do that, but I dont want to be that emotional wreck of a friend that is constantly crying and bitching...blah blah blah. I think ill stick to just bottling it all up. Its worked out so far. :)

One thing that was on my mind last night, but only after I googled it (I dont recommend it) was that I think I might have a Staph infection. No idea how the hell I got it. But, of course I googled it and only the most gruesome and nasty pictures come up. Pictures of peoples whole leg being infected and oozing and red and the skin missing. Ugh. Again, take my word for it. Its not something for the faint of heart. It started out as a bump which I then thought was just a boil. I figured it would go away. No. And then it developed a scab from what I thought was because my underwear might be rubbing it or even my jeans. Well, last night in the shower I noticed that it was a little raised and I told myself that I would take a look at it when I got out. Well, we all know that after a shower, a scab becomes soft and can easily rub off. And I guess from drying myself off I took the scab off. When I noticed that I had, I noticed that there is a nice size whole on my side. FANTASTIC! And then my mind is racing. The first thing that popped into my head was a flesh eating bacteria and im going to die. So I googled it. Oh my. Thats when I read something about Staph infections. I read signs and symptoms and it sounds exactly what I first had. So of course im looking at the pictures and im freaking out! I went to bed hoping that I could just lay there and go to sleep. Nope. I kept thinking about dieing and shit. Ugh. And im about to get my PD so im all fucking emotional and shit. So, Im crying. My love comes to bed early and I tried my best to just go to sleep and then the tears FLOW. And then I told her about it and shes like, "we can deal with this." And im all like No no no. ILL deal with it. Ugh. Stubborn, hard headed Jenn. But, im planning on making a doctors appointment after I get paid on Friday. Hopefully Ill hear good news and not the worst im thinking it is. Anyhow.

Today I also mailed a letter to my father telling him im gay. Yeah, he will find out 2-3 days from now when he reads the letter. Hopefully his wife wont read it first. She probably will thinking its from my mom. Oh well. I was thinking about it last night and I felt the impulse to just do it this morning. I would have called him but he never answers his phone and instead of leaving a voicemail and waiting for him to call me back I just decided to write. I wanted to write last night when I was upset too. Its always a release for me. ANYHOW! Here is my letter I wrote. Its pretty much to the point. I didnt try to sugar coat anything. Plus, I didnt want to tell him that im gay and then go on a rant. He would get tired of reading and just stop. So, its pretty short. Well, long enough to tell him but short enough that it might just give him some time to think about it all.





I wasnt really sure what to say. And ive written better "coming out" letters that I never did mail to him for whatever reason. But, I was on a mission to tell him what I wanted to say and get it over with. Looking at it now, I would have written it much differently. But, its out in the mail and on its way to be read. Cant take it back now even if I wanted to. But, at least I gave him the option of calling me or write me back. Ive done my part.