My granny...

Well, me and my family found out yesterday that my grandmother is in the hospital and its not looking good.

Me and my brother are planning on drive to Florida to meet up with my dad and then drive to Alabama where my grandmother is. This should be an interesting trip. I think because it’s my brother Will we will be okay. If it were me and Shaun, I think we would be okay but we would run out of things to talk about. And we have different taste in music which might become an issue. And there ain't NO WAY I could drive with both my brothers. Oh my. Just thinking about makes me and shudder. They would argue all the time!!! I think my mom wants my brother Shaun to come with us, but with his school about to get out in less than a month it's probably not a good idea.

So me and Will are going to drive to Florida...14 hours or so. And then meet up with my dad and then drive to Alabama. I don’t know how long it is, but I know it’s not a short trip. I just did a MapQuest general idea from the city my dads in to the city my grandmother is in and it’s about 7 ½ hours. Fun in the car...! :(

I haven’t seen my father since 2004. I haven’t seen my grandmother since 1991/1992. I haven’t ever really met my dad’s new wife Donna. (I hated her, for no reason really.) I haven’t seen my uncles in forever. I couldn’t even tell you what they looked like. I have no idea what they looked like back when they used to be around either. I've haven’t seen my dads side of the family in a really long long time. It will be interesting to see everyone and talk to everyone.

It will interesting to see my grandmothers house. To drive on that dirt road that leads up to the house, if it’s still a dirt road at all. It will be interesting to see if anything looks familiar at all. I have this image of how the house looked when I was a kid. I have this image of house the gravel drive way looked, of how the farms around them looked. It will be interesting to see if they look the same.

I'm really nervous though. Not of driving the distance or being so far from home, but seeing my father. I recently came out of the closet to him and I know that he knows but we haven’t talked about it. Not that there is anything to talk about. I don’t exactly know what I want to hear or not want to hear. I thought about it last night and on my drive in this morning. It’s like one of those things that you know everyone knows, but who is going to be the first to say something about it. Does it need to be brought up? Does it need to be said? Is it just one of those things that is just an understanding? I really don’t know. Anyhow. I'm just nervous about seeing him because I never do know how to be myself around him. I don’t think I was able to be myself around him even when I was a kid.

And I hate that I have to see my grandmother after all these years, in her state now. I always intended to come and visit her. I really wanted to but it never materialized until now. Now that she’s sick and in the hospital. I hope that she will be coherent enough to know who is there and who is around her. Ill make sure that I let her know im there.

I don’t really know why I'm so anxious to see her. I never really talked to her on the phone or called her on Christmas. I wrote letters back and forth to her though. Just talking about and my brothers and what was going on with us at the time. Maybe it was the lack of communication that makes me want to see her so bad. I just want everyone to know that the past is the past and ive moved on since then. I have questions about how things happened but im okay with not having answers. People make mistakes. I've learned that to hold a grudge against someone is a lot harder than letting go. Trust me, that’s the one lesson I have definitely learned in my short time on this earth. Plus, it’s not my forgiveness they need, its Gods. And in the end, that’s all that matters.

I wonder if I will have the nerve to ask my father the important questions that I have yearned to ask. Maybe I will find it to not be appropriate. Maybe I will find the time to just speak with my dad. We will find out soon enough. Maybe being back at my grandmothers will bring up so much emotion as living in Alabama as a kid wasn’t always the highlight of my childhood. Many hard, tough, life changing moments happened there and all in my grandmothers house. But, I do have my fair share of good moments with my father and one of my uncles (I don’t know which one. My dad has 4 brothers and I could never tell them apart. Neil, James, Chris, and....the other one I can’t even think of right now.)

It’s amazing what you remember even being so young. I was only 5 when we left Alabama and came back to Maryland. Such a long time ago. Many things have changed.