Well, its nice to have a chill weekend. And this is the one. Two weeks ago I was in Alabama and last weekend was the weekend of Memorial Day. So I feel like I havent had a relax and do nothing weekend in a really long time.
Of course this weekend, I wish I had some money to go out and do something. Oh well. there is always next weekend...maybe. Depends on what happens at work.
There is my next subject. On Wednesday, I was called into the conference room with two of my bosses and I was told that I was not up to company standards. This is news to me as NO ONE has said anything to me before. (I know that being out of the office for a week didnt help.) I was completely shocked by their accusations that I dont know how to do things. REALLY?! I was told that I have a problem with telling my managers that I know how to do what they are asking me to do and then well, I dont do it the way they want. Again, this was a shock because no one has ever said anything before. I took everything they said to me and I spent the next two days working my ass off to get everything done. I didnt want anyone to tell me that I wasnt working or anything. So I just busted everything out. I got all my filing done that they said I dont do. And no I dont do it as often as I should but its hard to have to answer phones, help anyone who comes in the door, open and distribute mail and anything else that someone hands me that is IMPORTANT and still file. Yeah. So, I said fuck it. I forwarded the phones to the cordless, I went in the back and I filed. I filed for a good couple hours. I then I emptied my inbox out and now they cant say nothing. I have my everyday duties to do along with anything else that someone gives me for next week. It soooo pissed me off as they came to me not only on Wednesday but also on Thursday to say that because IIII SUPPOSEDLY didnt pay a bill, some power was turned off. Hm. That sounds familiar and I told them that some of the bills are being forwarded to the NC office and some in the past we NEVER got because whoever set up the account, put them as going to be paid online. But, thats my fault. I was told that because I didnt know how to do Excel very well...and I told them that from the very beginning, it was my fault that they were not correct after I printed them out and gave them out. Although, before I printed them out or even considered it, I always gave them to Eric to look over. Once he gave me the okay that I was good to go, I printed them. But, again...my fault. They had so many excuses as to why I wasnt up to par and they both knew that they were not true. I just took what was said and just did everything. Things would normally take a couple days, I knocked out in a couple hours. I dont want anyone to say anything to me when I tell them that I have nothing to do.
I know that this all stems from me being out for a week. They figured out that they could actually get things done and they dont need me. Thats fine. Fire me. That way I can collect unemployment. To hell with quitting. The only way I will do that is if I have another job lined up and I start immediately. I cant take time off as I do not have a way of paying bills and all that comes along with that.
I just hope that when I leave that they realize that they can not tell someone that they have to do this and that and more and only get paid shit. If I were just a receptionist, I couldnt argue about my pay. No one can afford to live off what I was making. Not with the economy as it is.
Well, anyhow. I am sitting on my back deck just listening to birds chirp and the cat meow to get my attention. I am sooo glad to just be chilling out not doing a damn thing. I lie. I have lots and lots of laundry to get done. But only because I know I am not going to want to do it tomorrow while my love is home. I am going to want to spend as much time with her as possible. I truly do miss her when she is not with me but I am at home. At least earlier this afternoon I spent time with Jessie. I wasnt alone. But I started getting a headache and I had to lay down and just watch some boring TV. Of course there is nothing on but whatever. I had that option of not doing a damn thing.
And with everything going on at work, I am in full force to find a job. I went online to a bunch of places and submitted my resume. I hope to hear back from someone or at least hear something from someone interested in my resume. I would love to find something other than receptionist work to do, but I cant seem to get any where else. I really need to put myself completely into my next job and push to move up that corporate ladder. Im also hoping that I win the lottery or come into some big money so I can quit working and be a full time stay at home wife. haha. I hate working. I dont like the feeling of not having a job when I need one. But, if I were to have enough money for the rest of my life, I might just want to start a company and that way once it was off the ground, I could hire someone else to do it. haha. And still get a paycheck. That would be the life. Unfortunitly I dont think I will be coming into any money any time soon.
But a girl can still dream cant she?
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Baby on the brain....!
I cant take it anymore! I want a BABY!! Right now! ...is that possible? No. Damn.
I have been online all day pretty much (I havent done a thing at work today) and I have been looking at people's photgraphy. Which led me to a woman's photo blog on this site. She has the life I want. How do I get one like it? She has lots of friends. Single friends. Engaged friends. Married friends. Friends with children. You name it, shes got them. She looks completely happy in her life. She has a young son who I can tell she loves and adores just by reading and looking at her pictures. She has sushi dinner nights with friends. She has baby showers at the park. She does her friends engagements photos and wedding photos. She just seems like shes very happy. Its the impression she gives.
Looking at her photos and all the ones Ive been looking at today keeps dragging me back to baby pictures. I LOVE looking at professional baby pictures. And thats what Ive been doing all morning. Well, that and pregnancy photos. And it makes me want to have a baby soooo bad. So bad, I can almost taste it. It has been something that Ive always wanted in life. Ive always wanted to be pregnant and have babies and raise children into adults. Ive always wanted to be the "cool mom."
I can always tell when my body does into pre-historic maternity mode. I instantly turn into a kinder, more thoughtful, cleaning fool (Im thinking this is the nesting part of it all.) Right after that one week a month thing, I always get like this. I guess its my bodys idea that there is no baby and it needs a baby. Im going to have to get on this baby making deal by myself I think. Just do it, and see what happens. See how she feels. haha. That would be the big kicker. Well, that and my mother asking...how did this happen?!?! She would want to know all the details. I swear I think one day she is going to write a book about her gay daughter and all the crazy shit that goes with it. I will tell her one thing and then tell her another and she gets all confused like she has no idea how things go on in a gay relationship. haha. I just want a baby. God, do I want a baby. Ive got this idea of a nursery and how I want it to look. I have this idea that it will be a boy and I will name him Gabriel and he will have a head full of hair and dark eyes. Babies keep invading my dreams and I dont know how to make it stop. I know im young and I dont have my life together completely but there are girls out there who have it off worst than me and are making it work right now. Thats all I would do. Just make it work. My mother had it work, and so can I.
I just cant wait to feel what its like to be pregnant and have the baby kick me from inside. I cant wait to see the baby for the first time and hold it and cry tears of happiness. I cant wait to get home from the hospital and put it in its crib for the first time. I cant wait until I the feeling that im really going to be a mother. I cant wait to watch my child grow up and go to school and graduate and make something of its life. I just cant wait. If I could have all that TODAY, I totally would.
Being in a heterosexual relationship this is an easy task. And well, even being in a homosexual relationship this COULD be an easy task but I want all parties to be involved. I dont know if my girlfriend is ready for this right now. I know she wants children, its just a matter of when. And if Im the one.
Eh, I dont want to think about all that. I just like the idea of having a child with someone who is as passionate about it as me.
I think I would make a great mother.
I have been online all day pretty much (I havent done a thing at work today) and I have been looking at people's photgraphy. Which led me to a woman's photo blog on this site. She has the life I want. How do I get one like it? She has lots of friends. Single friends. Engaged friends. Married friends. Friends with children. You name it, shes got them. She looks completely happy in her life. She has a young son who I can tell she loves and adores just by reading and looking at her pictures. She has sushi dinner nights with friends. She has baby showers at the park. She does her friends engagements photos and wedding photos. She just seems like shes very happy. Its the impression she gives.
Looking at her photos and all the ones Ive been looking at today keeps dragging me back to baby pictures. I LOVE looking at professional baby pictures. And thats what Ive been doing all morning. Well, that and pregnancy photos. And it makes me want to have a baby soooo bad. So bad, I can almost taste it. It has been something that Ive always wanted in life. Ive always wanted to be pregnant and have babies and raise children into adults. Ive always wanted to be the "cool mom."
I can always tell when my body does into pre-historic maternity mode. I instantly turn into a kinder, more thoughtful, cleaning fool (Im thinking this is the nesting part of it all.) Right after that one week a month thing, I always get like this. I guess its my bodys idea that there is no baby and it needs a baby. Im going to have to get on this baby making deal by myself I think. Just do it, and see what happens. See how she feels. haha. That would be the big kicker. Well, that and my mother asking...how did this happen?!?! She would want to know all the details. I swear I think one day she is going to write a book about her gay daughter and all the crazy shit that goes with it. I will tell her one thing and then tell her another and she gets all confused like she has no idea how things go on in a gay relationship. haha. I just want a baby. God, do I want a baby. Ive got this idea of a nursery and how I want it to look. I have this idea that it will be a boy and I will name him Gabriel and he will have a head full of hair and dark eyes. Babies keep invading my dreams and I dont know how to make it stop. I know im young and I dont have my life together completely but there are girls out there who have it off worst than me and are making it work right now. Thats all I would do. Just make it work. My mother had it work, and so can I.
I just cant wait to feel what its like to be pregnant and have the baby kick me from inside. I cant wait to see the baby for the first time and hold it and cry tears of happiness. I cant wait to get home from the hospital and put it in its crib for the first time. I cant wait until I the feeling that im really going to be a mother. I cant wait to watch my child grow up and go to school and graduate and make something of its life. I just cant wait. If I could have all that TODAY, I totally would.
Being in a heterosexual relationship this is an easy task. And well, even being in a homosexual relationship this COULD be an easy task but I want all parties to be involved. I dont know if my girlfriend is ready for this right now. I know she wants children, its just a matter of when. And if Im the one.
Eh, I dont want to think about all that. I just like the idea of having a child with someone who is as passionate about it as me.
I think I would make a great mother.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
This weekend...
This weekend was a really good.
Friday was my brothers prom. And then me and my mom hung out for a little bit. Only to come home and have her reinact something for ten minutes even tho in reality it probably all went down in about 5 mins. haha. And even if it did, we didnt need the play by play. But, it was all good.
Saturday was my cleaning day. Me and Mary were getting ready for peoples coming over to the house for Memorial Day. I hate cleaning but I did clean. :) Thats pretty much all I did that day.
Sunday was a JAMMED BACKED DAY! I had lots to get done. I had to go to Sam's club to pick up last minute things for the party on Monday. I saw Kristy and Aiden for a little bit at the house before I went over to the park with them to play for a bit. He is growing leaps and bounds. I dont see him for a while and he is doing something new. Its amazing to see him growing and learning. I went to my Aunts cook out for about an hour just to say hi and have a hot dog. I did get to see Tanya's new baby girl. She is such a cutie. Full head of hair and always smiling. Shes just too cute. And then I went to the M's house to hang out with everyone since I havent seen everyone in a really long time. :) We chatted, had a drink or two, and TRIED to play a game. As I was leaving I got to talk with a friend about whats been going on. It was really REALLY nice to sit and talk with someone who knew exactly how I felt or just knew exactly WHAT I was talking about. The conversation carried on for about an hour before I was freezing and she had to tinkle. :) But, it was nice to talk with someone who knew what I was trying to say and who I truly felt was not taking sides with the situation. So to this person I just want to say, Thank You for listening. It meant a lot.
AND MONDAY...it started out with cleaning and ended with cleaning. I finished up the last bit of cleaning I had to get done and I started on the eggs and watermelon. And before I knew it the family was coming in. I had a good time tho. Lots of laughs. I spent most of the day just laughing with Jessie. She was cracking me up.
But now its Tuesday and I do NOT feel like being at work. I just want to go home and get some rest. I went to bed around 9pm, woke up about every hour last night because I was sweating and I couldnt get comfortable. It was horrible. There was NO breeze last night going thru the house and the ceiling fan in the bedroom was NOT helping at all. As soon as my alarm clock went off, I got out of bed and into a cool shower.
Thank Goodness for the day after cookouts. You come home with food or if its at your house, you have food for a couple of days. :) Im all about it.
Friday was my brothers prom. And then me and my mom hung out for a little bit. Only to come home and have her reinact something for ten minutes even tho in reality it probably all went down in about 5 mins. haha. And even if it did, we didnt need the play by play. But, it was all good.
Saturday was my cleaning day. Me and Mary were getting ready for peoples coming over to the house for Memorial Day. I hate cleaning but I did clean. :) Thats pretty much all I did that day.
Sunday was a JAMMED BACKED DAY! I had lots to get done. I had to go to Sam's club to pick up last minute things for the party on Monday. I saw Kristy and Aiden for a little bit at the house before I went over to the park with them to play for a bit. He is growing leaps and bounds. I dont see him for a while and he is doing something new. Its amazing to see him growing and learning. I went to my Aunts cook out for about an hour just to say hi and have a hot dog. I did get to see Tanya's new baby girl. She is such a cutie. Full head of hair and always smiling. Shes just too cute. And then I went to the M's house to hang out with everyone since I havent seen everyone in a really long time. :) We chatted, had a drink or two, and TRIED to play a game. As I was leaving I got to talk with a friend about whats been going on. It was really REALLY nice to sit and talk with someone who knew exactly how I felt or just knew exactly WHAT I was talking about. The conversation carried on for about an hour before I was freezing and she had to tinkle. :) But, it was nice to talk with someone who knew what I was trying to say and who I truly felt was not taking sides with the situation. So to this person I just want to say, Thank You for listening. It meant a lot.
AND MONDAY...it started out with cleaning and ended with cleaning. I finished up the last bit of cleaning I had to get done and I started on the eggs and watermelon. And before I knew it the family was coming in. I had a good time tho. Lots of laughs. I spent most of the day just laughing with Jessie. She was cracking me up.
But now its Tuesday and I do NOT feel like being at work. I just want to go home and get some rest. I went to bed around 9pm, woke up about every hour last night because I was sweating and I couldnt get comfortable. It was horrible. There was NO breeze last night going thru the house and the ceiling fan in the bedroom was NOT helping at all. As soon as my alarm clock went off, I got out of bed and into a cool shower.
Thank Goodness for the day after cookouts. You come home with food or if its at your house, you have food for a couple of days. :) Im all about it.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Im bored.
Im soooooo bored. I do NOT have the luxury of being able to go on myspace at work anymore. Maybe its a good thing. I can tell that today would be one of those days where I was on it ALL DAY and not do a damn thing at work. I soooo dont feel like working today. Ive got my work cut out for me next week and im so not looking forward to it. Ive got work at home that I have to go over and see if I cant redo alllllllll this work ive done over the past 6 months. Ugh. At least it was brought to my attention before I was several quarters behind and drowning in paperwork. If I didnt have to answer phones or take messages or look out for who is at the door OR be given any other work for about a week, I could totally have these things knocked out. BUT, thats never going to happen. I dont even see myself advancing in this company. I took the job with a DECREASE in pay with the hopes of starting as a receptionist only to move up in the company. So not the deal. Ive been here 7 months now, no raise, no nothing. Ive only been given more work to do and told to "figure it out." Yeah, thats not the most professional thing to do. But, they did it to me. Oh well. Ive got to take it as it is. I keep trying to remain positive. Ive only got a couple more months before I am up for my year review. Im NOT looking forward to it but hopefully ive made some progress and they will see that I DESERVE a raise. IF I do not get one, I will be leaving. There wouldnt be any reason for me to stay.
ANYHOW!!! On a lighter note...
Tonight is my little bro's senior prom. At first he thought that his date was just going to have her parents drive her to the prom and just meet Shaun there. But, my mom talked to her mom and they said that it was okay that my mom drives them there and picks her up and takes her back home. :) Her mom explained that Gabby (Shauns date) is really shy and that it will be good for her to get out of her comfort zone and do things on her own without her parents there. Shaun doesnt know what her mental or emotional issues are because shes really smart and does really well in school. (Shaun goes to Kennedy Krieger High School. A school for disabled kids, and kids with mental/emotional issues.) Shaun said that he likes her but he doesnt know if she likes him or not. But, I told Shaun that its okay if she doesnt like you. Just go with the flow. Dont be pushy but make sure you let her know that you are there and "available." haha. Shaun doesnt have the GQ - smooth talking skills that most boys have. Or just like my brother Will thinks he has. I am going to go to my moms after work and see him get ready and then we are going over to Gabby's house to take pictures and all that good stuff. Im happy for Shaun.
At least both of my brothers had dates for their proms. I unfortunitly didnt have one for either one of my proms. My junior prom wasnt a big deal since I just went with a couple people who were going alone too. Senior prom was a little different. I went with Brandi and Tara who were together and just met a bunch of peeps at prom who were with someone. Oh well. I cant dwell on it now. It just would have bene nice to have someone to go to the prom with. Even it were someone who I was just good friends with. Oh well.
Well, im about to head out to lunch and CASH MY CHECK!!!!! OHHHHH YEAH.
Well not really. All my money is going toward bills and gas. BUT STILL! I like the idea of getting paid. haha.
ANYHOW!!! On a lighter note...
Tonight is my little bro's senior prom. At first he thought that his date was just going to have her parents drive her to the prom and just meet Shaun there. But, my mom talked to her mom and they said that it was okay that my mom drives them there and picks her up and takes her back home. :) Her mom explained that Gabby (Shauns date) is really shy and that it will be good for her to get out of her comfort zone and do things on her own without her parents there. Shaun doesnt know what her mental or emotional issues are because shes really smart and does really well in school. (Shaun goes to Kennedy Krieger High School. A school for disabled kids, and kids with mental/emotional issues.) Shaun said that he likes her but he doesnt know if she likes him or not. But, I told Shaun that its okay if she doesnt like you. Just go with the flow. Dont be pushy but make sure you let her know that you are there and "available." haha. Shaun doesnt have the GQ - smooth talking skills that most boys have. Or just like my brother Will thinks he has. I am going to go to my moms after work and see him get ready and then we are going over to Gabby's house to take pictures and all that good stuff. Im happy for Shaun.
At least both of my brothers had dates for their proms. I unfortunitly didnt have one for either one of my proms. My junior prom wasnt a big deal since I just went with a couple people who were going alone too. Senior prom was a little different. I went with Brandi and Tara who were together and just met a bunch of peeps at prom who were with someone. Oh well. I cant dwell on it now. It just would have bene nice to have someone to go to the prom with. Even it were someone who I was just good friends with. Oh well.
Well, im about to head out to lunch and CASH MY CHECK!!!!! OHHHHH YEAH.
Well not really. All my money is going toward bills and gas. BUT STILL! I like the idea of getting paid. haha.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
CB = Crazy Bitch
I dont like talking about her like this, but she really is. I always knew she had a screw or two loose but I never had to witness it first hand.
When will CB get it that Mary doesnt love her anymore?! On Saturday, CB decided that driving all the way to Bethesda to basically stalk Mary is a good idea. Mary told this last night so that I wouldnt think that they are friends or talking to each other.
So CB comes up to Mary and says Hi and as soon as Mary heard it she knew who it was. CB asked if she could talk to her for a minute because she has no way to communicate with her. Mary agreed just so there wasnt a scene in the middle of the mall. CB basically asks her to come back to her and be with her because shes changed and she is working now. Big whooptie do! CB said how she is living at home with my mom but she still has to pay the BGE and the rent because the apartment is in here name. All Mary could say was KARMA IS A BITCH ISNT IT. And thats the honest truth.
CB also went onto rant how me and her are the same age and that if she isnt mature enough for Mary than how am I mature enough. Mary just went onto say that it doesnt come down to age. CB asked if Mary loved me and Mary said very much so. That ticked CB off even more. CB's whole excuse is that we are the same age (even tho im almost a year older than her) and that me and CB were friends first. She also went on to say that she used to talk to me all the time about her and Mary and that I know how to love Mary because we talked all the time. Um, no. haha. And her winning arguement is that CB is still in love with Mary and that she wants her back. And Mary is like you are too late. You had your oppurtunity to have me and you didnt do what your supposed to do in a relationship. Mary also said to her that they didnt click. In the beginning of the relationship it was great and she enjoyed being with her but after a while she realized that there was nothing there and that CB used her for her money and her emotions. She asked if Mary thought our relationship was going to be forever and Mary said she doesnt know what the future holds but she sure is going to try to hold onto this for a long time to come. CB just really needs to come on. She doesnt know how to take the word NO!
CB then went on to call Mary's mother and CB asked if she could come by and talk with her. Mary's mom said fine so CB went over there. CB kept going on and on about how her was going to get Mary back and thats all shes going to do. And Marys mom just said to CB, you had your time to make things right. You had your time to turn around and make the relationship work. But Mary doesnt love you anymore. She loves Jenn. CB asked if she met me and she said yes, and that she thinks im good for Mary. She said that both of our families met and everything is going good. Mary went to see her mother on Mothers Day and she told her that she missed me even though I had just left. Mary's mom told CB that and that she has never said that about anyone.
I just think its amazing that she is going to put so much effort into getting Mary back instead of continuing on with her own life and her own relationships.
Its not like me and Mary decided one day, lets hook up. Lets start a relationship. The only reason things went the way they did was because Kate had me text Mary one day and then Mary called me and asked if I wanted to go to dinner. I said yes and the rest is history. We both had a good time and we continued having a good time together. Now we are living together, loving each other everyday, and enjoying everything about it. I have so much love for Mary and I know there is only more to come. We are talking about having a family and making a future for ourselves. I do not want CB being in the background for all of time. At some point CB is going to have to move on...everyone else has.
When will CB get it that Mary doesnt love her anymore?! On Saturday, CB decided that driving all the way to Bethesda to basically stalk Mary is a good idea. Mary told this last night so that I wouldnt think that they are friends or talking to each other.
So CB comes up to Mary and says Hi and as soon as Mary heard it she knew who it was. CB asked if she could talk to her for a minute because she has no way to communicate with her. Mary agreed just so there wasnt a scene in the middle of the mall. CB basically asks her to come back to her and be with her because shes changed and she is working now. Big whooptie do! CB said how she is living at home with my mom but she still has to pay the BGE and the rent because the apartment is in here name. All Mary could say was KARMA IS A BITCH ISNT IT. And thats the honest truth.
CB also went onto rant how me and her are the same age and that if she isnt mature enough for Mary than how am I mature enough. Mary just went onto say that it doesnt come down to age. CB asked if Mary loved me and Mary said very much so. That ticked CB off even more. CB's whole excuse is that we are the same age (even tho im almost a year older than her) and that me and CB were friends first. She also went on to say that she used to talk to me all the time about her and Mary and that I know how to love Mary because we talked all the time. Um, no. haha. And her winning arguement is that CB is still in love with Mary and that she wants her back. And Mary is like you are too late. You had your oppurtunity to have me and you didnt do what your supposed to do in a relationship. Mary also said to her that they didnt click. In the beginning of the relationship it was great and she enjoyed being with her but after a while she realized that there was nothing there and that CB used her for her money and her emotions. She asked if Mary thought our relationship was going to be forever and Mary said she doesnt know what the future holds but she sure is going to try to hold onto this for a long time to come. CB just really needs to come on. She doesnt know how to take the word NO!
CB then went on to call Mary's mother and CB asked if she could come by and talk with her. Mary's mom said fine so CB went over there. CB kept going on and on about how her was going to get Mary back and thats all shes going to do. And Marys mom just said to CB, you had your time to make things right. You had your time to turn around and make the relationship work. But Mary doesnt love you anymore. She loves Jenn. CB asked if she met me and she said yes, and that she thinks im good for Mary. She said that both of our families met and everything is going good. Mary went to see her mother on Mothers Day and she told her that she missed me even though I had just left. Mary's mom told CB that and that she has never said that about anyone.
I just think its amazing that she is going to put so much effort into getting Mary back instead of continuing on with her own life and her own relationships.
Its not like me and Mary decided one day, lets hook up. Lets start a relationship. The only reason things went the way they did was because Kate had me text Mary one day and then Mary called me and asked if I wanted to go to dinner. I said yes and the rest is history. We both had a good time and we continued having a good time together. Now we are living together, loving each other everyday, and enjoying everything about it. I have so much love for Mary and I know there is only more to come. We are talking about having a family and making a future for ourselves. I do not want CB being in the background for all of time. At some point CB is going to have to move on...everyone else has.
Just an update...
Well, I went to Alabama on the 11th and was there until the 18th. It was a long LONG trip. I most def enjoyed meeting my uncles, and meeting cousins that I didnt even know I had but it was a LONG trip.
My grandmother got out of ICU and was moved to a progressive unit. Everyone including myself think she pulled out of this because everyone came down to see her. She finally got to see all 5 of her sons in one room at the same time. That doesnt happen very often. I got to see her after being away for 15 years. She had tears in her eyes when she saw me.
I met all my uncles. Uncle James, Uncle Chris, Uncle Lyn, and Uncle Neil. Along with lots of cousins. I met Nicole, Chrissy, Brandon, Gracie and ...im drawing a blank on her sisters name. haha. I also got to meet Ashley and another cousin. I cant remember what her name was. Uncle Lyn's kids stayed in Maine and Uncle James kids stayed in Arizona. But it was awesome meeting these people that remembered me as a little tot but I couldnt remember at all.
I got to ride a 4 wheeler for the first time ever down there. My Uncle Chris has one so I took it for a spin. It was awesome. As soon as I got off, I was thinking of a way to get one and find a place to ride it in the city. haha.
I saw where my grandparents live. It looks exactly the same. Some of the shit in the yard has probably been there since I left. The house isnt as bad as everyone thought it was going to be inside. Its dirty and VERY dusty but there is cleared walk spaces and everything. Still I wish I could just go in there and CLEAN IT! I hate cleaning but it needs a thorough cleaning from top to bottom. My grandmother cant clean anymore because she cant breathe. She cant even take a shower because the mist takes her breathe away. And my grandpa aint gonna do shit around the house. If he was willing to do that, the house wouldnt be in the shape it is. Its falling apart around them and he keeps buying horses and junk to let sit in the yard. I love him but he doesnt have his priorities in line.
Even tho the only reason I went to AL was to see my ailing grandmother, I was glad I was able to make the trip. Me and my dad were able to talk a little bit without Will being around to put his two cents in. I found out that my father has been going to church for the last couple of months and he is now a Mormon. Yeah, I was surprised to hear that. One, that he is going to church. And two, that he is now a Mormon who feels that this church is the REAL church. Ugh. Whatever. Its his own choice in life. Im not one to judge. I told him that my biggest issue with the church is whether the church excepts me. I told him that Ive come to the conclusion that I am comfortable with me. And I love God and I know God loves me. Who I lay down with at night shouldnt have my casted aside. He said that in the Mormon church, homosexuality is NOT excepted but HE accepts me. Why be with a church that you dont completely believe in? OR maybe he does think that homosexuality is an abomination and that I am going to hell but he just didnt want to tell me to my face. Who knows. I just had a good time with my dad. All thru the trip he would recount times when I was a kid and the silly things I did or his version of how he denied me as a baby. haha. It was almost like my moms but a little different. He told me about how he broke my leg when I was 2. He talked about how all he wanted was a baby girl when he found out that mom was pregnant. And how I was spoiled since the day I was born. The hospital would have to call him to tell him to come to the hospital and feed me because I wouldnt take a bottle from anyone but him. haha. It was really nice to talk about these things and laugh and carry on.
Of course, as soon as we sat down in the waiting area at the airport waiting for our planes to come in, I started to tear up but I told myself that I wasnt. So I sucked it up but as soon as they told everyone that they could start lining up, I lost it. I hugged dad and watched him walk to the terminal. He stood there looking at me and Will and I had to turn my dad and let the tears come. I would suck it up, stop crying to wipe the tears away long enough to turn my head back to him and see him standing there only to start crying again. As soon as we saw him walking onto the plane I just let it out. I think its the idea that he is leaving first. Maybe if me and Will were to leave first it would feel like we are leaving him not him leaving us. Ive had enough of him leaving us in the past and it just doesnt get any easier.
Overall...I had a great time. But im glad to be home. I was home sick from the day I left until I set foot inside the house and was able to kiss my love. I dont want it to be so long before I go back again but I know it wont be for a while before I go back.
My grandmother got out of ICU and was moved to a progressive unit. Everyone including myself think she pulled out of this because everyone came down to see her. She finally got to see all 5 of her sons in one room at the same time. That doesnt happen very often. I got to see her after being away for 15 years. She had tears in her eyes when she saw me.
I met all my uncles. Uncle James, Uncle Chris, Uncle Lyn, and Uncle Neil. Along with lots of cousins. I met Nicole, Chrissy, Brandon, Gracie and ...im drawing a blank on her sisters name. haha. I also got to meet Ashley and another cousin. I cant remember what her name was. Uncle Lyn's kids stayed in Maine and Uncle James kids stayed in Arizona. But it was awesome meeting these people that remembered me as a little tot but I couldnt remember at all.
I got to ride a 4 wheeler for the first time ever down there. My Uncle Chris has one so I took it for a spin. It was awesome. As soon as I got off, I was thinking of a way to get one and find a place to ride it in the city. haha.
I saw where my grandparents live. It looks exactly the same. Some of the shit in the yard has probably been there since I left. The house isnt as bad as everyone thought it was going to be inside. Its dirty and VERY dusty but there is cleared walk spaces and everything. Still I wish I could just go in there and CLEAN IT! I hate cleaning but it needs a thorough cleaning from top to bottom. My grandmother cant clean anymore because she cant breathe. She cant even take a shower because the mist takes her breathe away. And my grandpa aint gonna do shit around the house. If he was willing to do that, the house wouldnt be in the shape it is. Its falling apart around them and he keeps buying horses and junk to let sit in the yard. I love him but he doesnt have his priorities in line.
Even tho the only reason I went to AL was to see my ailing grandmother, I was glad I was able to make the trip. Me and my dad were able to talk a little bit without Will being around to put his two cents in. I found out that my father has been going to church for the last couple of months and he is now a Mormon. Yeah, I was surprised to hear that. One, that he is going to church. And two, that he is now a Mormon who feels that this church is the REAL church. Ugh. Whatever. Its his own choice in life. Im not one to judge. I told him that my biggest issue with the church is whether the church excepts me. I told him that Ive come to the conclusion that I am comfortable with me. And I love God and I know God loves me. Who I lay down with at night shouldnt have my casted aside. He said that in the Mormon church, homosexuality is NOT excepted but HE accepts me. Why be with a church that you dont completely believe in? OR maybe he does think that homosexuality is an abomination and that I am going to hell but he just didnt want to tell me to my face. Who knows. I just had a good time with my dad. All thru the trip he would recount times when I was a kid and the silly things I did or his version of how he denied me as a baby. haha. It was almost like my moms but a little different. He told me about how he broke my leg when I was 2. He talked about how all he wanted was a baby girl when he found out that mom was pregnant. And how I was spoiled since the day I was born. The hospital would have to call him to tell him to come to the hospital and feed me because I wouldnt take a bottle from anyone but him. haha. It was really nice to talk about these things and laugh and carry on.
Of course, as soon as we sat down in the waiting area at the airport waiting for our planes to come in, I started to tear up but I told myself that I wasnt. So I sucked it up but as soon as they told everyone that they could start lining up, I lost it. I hugged dad and watched him walk to the terminal. He stood there looking at me and Will and I had to turn my dad and let the tears come. I would suck it up, stop crying to wipe the tears away long enough to turn my head back to him and see him standing there only to start crying again. As soon as we saw him walking onto the plane I just let it out. I think its the idea that he is leaving first. Maybe if me and Will were to leave first it would feel like we are leaving him not him leaving us. Ive had enough of him leaving us in the past and it just doesnt get any easier.
Overall...I had a great time. But im glad to be home. I was home sick from the day I left until I set foot inside the house and was able to kiss my love. I dont want it to be so long before I go back again but I know it wont be for a while before I go back.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
My granny...
Well, me and my family found out yesterday that my grandmother is in the hospital and its not looking good.
Me and my brother are planning on drive to Florida to meet up with my dad and then drive to Alabama where my grandmother is. This should be an interesting trip. I think because it’s my brother Will we will be okay. If it were me and Shaun, I think we would be okay but we would run out of things to talk about. And we have different taste in music which might become an issue. And there ain't NO WAY I could drive with both my brothers. Oh my. Just thinking about makes me and shudder. They would argue all the time!!! I think my mom wants my brother Shaun to come with us, but with his school about to get out in less than a month it's probably not a good idea.
So me and Will are going to drive to Florida...14 hours or so. And then meet up with my dad and then drive to Alabama. I don’t know how long it is, but I know it’s not a short trip. I just did a MapQuest general idea from the city my dads in to the city my grandmother is in and it’s about 7 ½ hours. Fun in the car...! :(
I haven’t seen my father since 2004. I haven’t seen my grandmother since 1991/1992. I haven’t ever really met my dad’s new wife Donna. (I hated her, for no reason really.) I haven’t seen my uncles in forever. I couldn’t even tell you what they looked like. I have no idea what they looked like back when they used to be around either. I've haven’t seen my dads side of the family in a really long long time. It will be interesting to see everyone and talk to everyone.
It will interesting to see my grandmothers house. To drive on that dirt road that leads up to the house, if it’s still a dirt road at all. It will be interesting to see if anything looks familiar at all. I have this image of how the house looked when I was a kid. I have this image of house the gravel drive way looked, of how the farms around them looked. It will be interesting to see if they look the same.
I'm really nervous though. Not of driving the distance or being so far from home, but seeing my father. I recently came out of the closet to him and I know that he knows but we haven’t talked about it. Not that there is anything to talk about. I don’t exactly know what I want to hear or not want to hear. I thought about it last night and on my drive in this morning. It’s like one of those things that you know everyone knows, but who is going to be the first to say something about it. Does it need to be brought up? Does it need to be said? Is it just one of those things that is just an understanding? I really don’t know. Anyhow. I'm just nervous about seeing him because I never do know how to be myself around him. I don’t think I was able to be myself around him even when I was a kid.
And I hate that I have to see my grandmother after all these years, in her state now. I always intended to come and visit her. I really wanted to but it never materialized until now. Now that she’s sick and in the hospital. I hope that she will be coherent enough to know who is there and who is around her. Ill make sure that I let her know im there.
I don’t really know why I'm so anxious to see her. I never really talked to her on the phone or called her on Christmas. I wrote letters back and forth to her though. Just talking about and my brothers and what was going on with us at the time. Maybe it was the lack of communication that makes me want to see her so bad. I just want everyone to know that the past is the past and ive moved on since then. I have questions about how things happened but im okay with not having answers. People make mistakes. I've learned that to hold a grudge against someone is a lot harder than letting go. Trust me, that’s the one lesson I have definitely learned in my short time on this earth. Plus, it’s not my forgiveness they need, its Gods. And in the end, that’s all that matters.
I wonder if I will have the nerve to ask my father the important questions that I have yearned to ask. Maybe I will find it to not be appropriate. Maybe I will find the time to just speak with my dad. We will find out soon enough. Maybe being back at my grandmothers will bring up so much emotion as living in Alabama as a kid wasn’t always the highlight of my childhood. Many hard, tough, life changing moments happened there and all in my grandmothers house. But, I do have my fair share of good moments with my father and one of my uncles (I don’t know which one. My dad has 4 brothers and I could never tell them apart. Neil, James, Chris, and....the other one I can’t even think of right now.)
It’s amazing what you remember even being so young. I was only 5 when we left Alabama and came back to Maryland. Such a long time ago. Many things have changed.
Me and my brother are planning on drive to Florida to meet up with my dad and then drive to Alabama where my grandmother is. This should be an interesting trip. I think because it’s my brother Will we will be okay. If it were me and Shaun, I think we would be okay but we would run out of things to talk about. And we have different taste in music which might become an issue. And there ain't NO WAY I could drive with both my brothers. Oh my. Just thinking about makes me and shudder. They would argue all the time!!! I think my mom wants my brother Shaun to come with us, but with his school about to get out in less than a month it's probably not a good idea.
So me and Will are going to drive to Florida...14 hours or so. And then meet up with my dad and then drive to Alabama. I don’t know how long it is, but I know it’s not a short trip. I just did a MapQuest general idea from the city my dads in to the city my grandmother is in and it’s about 7 ½ hours. Fun in the car...! :(
I haven’t seen my father since 2004. I haven’t seen my grandmother since 1991/1992. I haven’t ever really met my dad’s new wife Donna. (I hated her, for no reason really.) I haven’t seen my uncles in forever. I couldn’t even tell you what they looked like. I have no idea what they looked like back when they used to be around either. I've haven’t seen my dads side of the family in a really long long time. It will be interesting to see everyone and talk to everyone.
It will interesting to see my grandmothers house. To drive on that dirt road that leads up to the house, if it’s still a dirt road at all. It will be interesting to see if anything looks familiar at all. I have this image of how the house looked when I was a kid. I have this image of house the gravel drive way looked, of how the farms around them looked. It will be interesting to see if they look the same.
I'm really nervous though. Not of driving the distance or being so far from home, but seeing my father. I recently came out of the closet to him and I know that he knows but we haven’t talked about it. Not that there is anything to talk about. I don’t exactly know what I want to hear or not want to hear. I thought about it last night and on my drive in this morning. It’s like one of those things that you know everyone knows, but who is going to be the first to say something about it. Does it need to be brought up? Does it need to be said? Is it just one of those things that is just an understanding? I really don’t know. Anyhow. I'm just nervous about seeing him because I never do know how to be myself around him. I don’t think I was able to be myself around him even when I was a kid.
And I hate that I have to see my grandmother after all these years, in her state now. I always intended to come and visit her. I really wanted to but it never materialized until now. Now that she’s sick and in the hospital. I hope that she will be coherent enough to know who is there and who is around her. Ill make sure that I let her know im there.
I don’t really know why I'm so anxious to see her. I never really talked to her on the phone or called her on Christmas. I wrote letters back and forth to her though. Just talking about and my brothers and what was going on with us at the time. Maybe it was the lack of communication that makes me want to see her so bad. I just want everyone to know that the past is the past and ive moved on since then. I have questions about how things happened but im okay with not having answers. People make mistakes. I've learned that to hold a grudge against someone is a lot harder than letting go. Trust me, that’s the one lesson I have definitely learned in my short time on this earth. Plus, it’s not my forgiveness they need, its Gods. And in the end, that’s all that matters.
I wonder if I will have the nerve to ask my father the important questions that I have yearned to ask. Maybe I will find it to not be appropriate. Maybe I will find the time to just speak with my dad. We will find out soon enough. Maybe being back at my grandmothers will bring up so much emotion as living in Alabama as a kid wasn’t always the highlight of my childhood. Many hard, tough, life changing moments happened there and all in my grandmothers house. But, I do have my fair share of good moments with my father and one of my uncles (I don’t know which one. My dad has 4 brothers and I could never tell them apart. Neil, James, Chris, and....the other one I can’t even think of right now.)
It’s amazing what you remember even being so young. I was only 5 when we left Alabama and came back to Maryland. Such a long time ago. Many things have changed.
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