Finally doing it...

Im moving out of my mothers house. Oh yes. Im moving in with my baby in about 3 months. It would be sooner but ive got a couple things Ive got to work on first.

1. Car.
I dont currently have a working car. Sucks, I know. SOOO hopefully if I get enough tax return money...please God please God PLEASE GOD...I will either be able to get my car fixed ORRR put a down payment on some other piece of shit. Its better than nothing at all.

2. Getting my mother to a point where she can live without me.
And I mean this on soooo many different levels. My mother loves me. And I love her. BUT I think that in some aspects of my life she has held me back because she didnt want me to go anywhere. She wanted me to stay with her forever. (Shes told me this more than once.) I always told her it wasnt going to happen like that, but she never believed me. Also, I give my mother rent money, car insurance money, cell phone money, gas and electric money, I pay the cable and I pay for some groceries to come into the house. So with all that I pay her about $600 a month, give or take. She is so dependent upon getting this money from me every two weeks that when I finally said, "Mom, Im moving out in 3 months," she freaked out. She is trying to put the guilt trip on me. Telling me how she is going to lose the house, telling me how she is going to have to get a second job. Im sorry. I really am. I dont want my mother to lose her house. BUT IIII cant have that resting on my shoulders. I refuse. I love my mother to death and I dont want her to lose what she has since its not a lot to begin with. But, she over did herself. And she knows it. She bought a car that she has NO BUSINESS buying. I kept telling her to get a less expensive new car or a used car. Used cars were out of the question. And she "got the cheapest I could get" new car. BS. Plain and simple. My mother relies on my so much, that its become a burden on me. Its impacting the relationship that we once had. I want to be able to go to breakfast with my mom and talk with her and go shopping and all that kind of stuff. But, I cant right now. I need my space. Im going on 22 years old and its finally time for ME to leave the nest. My mother does a lot for me, but over the last couple of months Ive made sure that ive kind of stepped back and done things my way.

3. Get my FAMILY to the point where they dont need me.
My brothers, every day, ask me "whats for dinner." And every day I tell them that they have two hands, they can do it themselves. Yes, I might have made the mistake of cooking dinner for the last...hm...almost 10 years (yes, thats right), but its come to a point where I dont even cook any more. I cook every once in awhile when I feel like it. And they still ask me. I dont get it. My mother is too lazy to do it. Well, her excuse is "When I get home from work, I dont feel like doing anything." And my response is that I work too but I still managed to cook something for everyone. Hm. Think of that. Shaun knows how to use an oven. He pretty much taught himself because my mother being the paranoid freak that she is doesnt want her baby boy (he is 17 by the way) touching the stove. "He might burn the house down." Well, he hasnt yet. And Will...he just enjoys complaining that there is nothing to eat. He doesnt want to learn how to cook. He doesnt want to give mom some money to go to the grocery store and get what he wants. NO WAY! He just wants to sit back and bitch and moan that there is no food in the house! There is nothing I want! Im not going to make that! ...Im so sick of it. And I just cant wait to get the FUCK out!


I would love to be able to move out, and still give my mom some money every month. But, the reality of it is that its not going to happen. Unless I find a new job making more than $12.50 an hour, I might be able to do that. Right now, I can barely make my bills. And once I get my own cell phone and I get my own car insurance, im most likely going to be a little tight with money. I plan on finding a job that is closer to her house, and hopefully I will make some more money, but I dont expect that it will be much more. And I dont know what the future has in store for me. Only time will tell.

I just want my mother to realize that im not punishing her or trying to get way from her because I dont love her...and Im sure thats how she is feeling (she always blames herself) but I just need to get away and start my own life. She was my age when she had a baby and a husband and had to move away from home. She cant expect me to stay around forever.