TV last night

I was watching TV last night and I came across the show Intervention. I like the show and the idea of getting people back on track. So, im watching the show and there is a woman named Tressa and she addicted to Meth. (Its a crazy drug that I think teens should know thats in it and maybe they wouldnt actually use it.) She lives in Nebraska in a small farming town. She you see pictures of her as a kid and you notice right away that shes a tomboy. Her own father said that he wanted a little boy but got Tressa. As you watch the show you can tell that all Tressa wants to hear from her father is that he loves her for who she is 100%. Her family were bible thumping Christians who didnt like to think of their daughter as being "gay." Tressa had a tattoo on her arm of nude women and her family told her to cover it up when she was over the house because they didnt like it. I can respect that but it was just something else to put on Tressa to get her to "change her ways." Although, her own father was an adulter he still managed to bring her down deeper and deeper into depression and her own addiction.

I guess watching this show last night, made me think about my own father. My father doesnt really know me. He does know when my birthday is. He doesnt know my favorite number or color or my best friend. He just knows what he USED to know of me. My 5 year old self. Or what my mother has told him. I dont really care anymore that he doesnt know me. Im not really too upset with that, I just want him to know who I am. No, my sexuality is what makes me, me. But, its a big part of my life especially now since ive found someone that I love more than anything. And I want him to know that. Part of my wants to tell him just to piss him off or to get back at him, even as evil as that sounds. He screwed me over in my childhood. He is the one that made me have to grow up so fast. He is the one that made me have to let me mother cry on my shoulder for so many years. He is the one that made me have to step up and help raise my brothers. It was all him. All he ever wanted was a little girl. Thats what my mother says. She tells me that all he wanted was a little girl and that when I was born, he wanted to hold me all the time. I remember being a daddys little girl. He would let me ride on his motorcycle and he would let me ride on his lap and "drive" the car. I remember him coming home from the war and his smell. I dont think a little girl can ever forget what her father smells like. I remember smelling him for the first time in 2004 after not seeing him for 10 or so years. I gave him a huge hug and I just breathed him in. He smelled like daddy. I guess all ive ever wanted was daddys love. I dont think ill ever have that.

He told me sorry once, even made me cry. Then two weeks later after I pleaded with him that I needed money to go to college, he cut off my child support. I didnt talk to him for months. I cant tell you the last time I talked to my father. Its been a good year if not longer. I have no desire to talk to him. But, at the same time I do. Am I contradicting myself?

I love my father because he gave me life and I have my brothers, but after he was done making children he could raise, he just walked away. Thats not uncommon these days but even still, it hurts like hell.

I love hearing my brothers say that when they go to have children that they are going to be the best fathers they never had. They are going to be there for every little thing. Do everything that my father didnt. And even tho when I go to have a family of own, of course it wont be the traditional family most think about, I will be the best person I can to my child.

I guess it just kills me to know that I could either have a father that still loves me for what he knows of me, or I will completely lose a father due to his own ignorance. Im hoping I will find out soon.